I can’t believe it’s
been so long since my last post. Anyone else think January flew by in a
whirlwind? I’ve also been trying to decide which perk I wanted to talk about
next. I finally settled on one, and let me warn you, it’s about to get real in
this post. This perk is going to discuss a slightly irrational fear of mine,
and how it relates to my singleness.
I think I’m a pretty
pensive person. I think about life and death a lot, and the death of anyone,
particularly of those who are younger, tends to affect me more than I care to
admit. I suppose I am just always aware that this life is so short and that
anything can happen. We don’t know God’s plan for our lives. We have no idea if
we will return to our homes when we leave for the day. I worry about those I love.
My family, my friends…I pray every now of then (mostly out of worry) that
nothing will happen to them. I don’t want to lose anyone. I don’t want to have
to face that. And I don’t want others to have to face that. I hate seeing those
I love experience loss. I don’t like seeing people hurting. It just breaks my
heart. Ultimately, we will all face loss at some point in our lives, but I have
been very blessed to not have experienced a serious loss as so many I know
have. I am thankful for that, but then again, I know my time is coming. I just
don’t know who, when, and where.
The other thing that
worries me (and it’s totally not godly), is that me even entertaining these
thoughts, speaking what could happen out loud, or sitting here putting these
words out there for the world to see, will cause God to act and actually cause
what I fear most. I fear getting “the call” that something has happened. Or even
with my own life. Part of the reason I’ve delayed writing a will now that I’m a
homeowner is this irrational fear that it is welcoming something to happen to
me.
I know what you’re
thinking….who in the world thinks like that? God doesn’t just allow us to
experience loss because that’s what we fear most. He doesn’t allow events to
occur outside of a higher purpose. Everything He does has purpose, even if we
may never know what the purpose was in this life. I have to remind myself that
God knows my fears and worries before I even think them, and me being
superstitious about speaking my fears isn't going to cause Him to act.
Thinking about that
kind of thing is enough to make anyone scared and slightly crazy. It’s no way
to live life, that’s for sure. And I know that worry and fear does not come
from God, and although the thoughts rolling around in my head are true things,
it doesn't mean God wants us to live in fear of what could happen. However,
that’s easier said than done. I think the more you love, the more you worry. The
higher the stakes, the harder it is to trust the sovereign hand of the Almighty
and ever-loving God. Of course we know that he would never purposefully cause
us pain without reason. I think he allows pain into our lives to strengthen us,
but let’s be honest, I think everyone would prefer never to lose loved ones,
and when we do experience loss, it will probably be a struggle for us for the
duration of our lives.
I bet if I took a poll
from all my married friends, particularly those with children, I would hear
fear and worry about losing their spouse or precious babies. Godly, wonderful
individuals, but I don’t think they can possibly be married or a parent without
worrying. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone in my family. My parents
and sister, and extended family, friends, everyone in my life…it’s overwhelming
sometimes how many people I love that I am afraid of losing. If I’m like this
while I’m single, I shudder to think how much I will worry when I’m married and
have children. I can’t even imagine how much I will love those that are in my
future, and how much pain I would feel if something happened to them.
This is probably not
what you were expecting after my previous posts. This one is slightly morbid,
and cluttered with worry over things I can’t control, but it’s the truth. I still
have those in my life that I worry about, but I’m sure it’s just a whole other
ball game when you’re married with little ones that you've helped create. So this
perk of my single life, if you can even call it a perk, is that I can enjoy a
more peaceful and less worried mind while I’m single, than when I will have a
spouse and kids to love, and therefore worry about.
On the flip side, I know
that I have some work to do in my own heart. I can’t let worry and fear of loss
cripple me. Most of the time I am able to push these thoughts aside when they
become too overwhelming, but I need to always remind myself that God is loving
and kind, will always take care of me and those in my life. And because His
plans are all for His glory, I can have hope that when loss does inevitably come,
He is the loving, unchanging, comforting, wise, and sovereign God, and I can
cast my worry and fear on Him, because He is able to endure it all.