It has been said that the beginning part of a relationship is the
most carefree, exciting, and easy. Maybe that is true of young singles, those
still in college or maybe those just finding their footing in their first full
time job, when nothing really seems serious, and it may be easier to believe
that the next person they date could be “the one.” Going to a Christian college
and living in the same town after graduation, I’ve seen so many marry young.
I’m not saying that is a good or bad thing. The point I want to draw with this
post is that as a single person, the older you are, the messier life can
become. Some lives are more complicated than others, it’s true, but if you’re
single and have been firmly planted in the real world for quite some time, you
develop a level of independence that can only come when you just have yourself
to take care of. Life can throw some serious trials when finding this
independence, and the result is a person with baggage. We all have baggage, but
in many cases the baggage will be heavier as we get older for many different
reasons.
I think as you get older you also know yourself better. If you’re
like me, maybe at some point you had this realization that not everything about
yourself is so great, and it is going to take work to control certain unsavory
personality traits that may be detrimental in relationships with friends, family, or
a significant other. And to be honest, I think it is easier to deal with those
things as a single person. As a single person, there are occasions when these
things can be worked through internally, and therefore, privately. But in a
relationship, not only are you having to be vulnerable in a way you can’t
always prepare for, but that other person will eventually see those faults surface,
and when that happens, it can be emotionally and mentally challenging. I think
it’s easy to forget how selfish our human nature can be until we are in a
position where we can no longer hide from the truth.
A relationship is taking two independent, sinful, selfish by
innate nature individuals and merging their lives into one. That requires time,
effort, hard work, give and take, vulnerability, understanding, patience,
self-control. I’m not saying any of this is bad. It is a stretching experience
and I think we can gain so much from what relationships have to offer. God
created relationships, after all, which means the work that goes into them is
meant to make us better people. But there will be dark and difficult days in
relationships, just like there are when we are single. There is no light switch
that turns the darkness to light the moment someone walks into your life. Life
will be relatively similar to how it is now. You’ll still work and do many of
the same things, but then you will have to consider another person’s feelings
and needs in addition to your own.
The older and more independent you are, that is going to be a
challenge. I am very independent. I’m used to doing the things I want when I want
to do them. But relationships change things, especially when they progress and
become more serious. As a single person, life can still be complex and
difficult, but it is going to be far less complicated than when your life is
merged with another’s life. More decisions and more compromises await. I am in
no way anti-relationship. I think relationships can be a very good thing. But I
also don’t want to make the mistake of thinking that some long awaited relationship
is going to bring out the sun and it will just stay shining forever. When that
day comes, get ready for some hard work. In the meantime, if you are single,
realize that as much as it may not feel like it now, life is more carefree and
less complex as a single person than when a relationship eventually comes
along. Recognize it now, and appreciate the beauty of a less cluttered mind. It
is a gift from God. Truly.
I want to segue into some self-reflection. One year ago this
month, I started this blog. If I’m being honest, I started it to convince
myself that singleness is not a punishment from God, but there is purpose and
beauty in it. I didn’t believe it. I thought I was doing something wrong or
missing some clue from the Lord as to what I needed to change in order to
transition into the next stage of life. When I began to write, it was like I was
writing to myself, willing myself to believe the words pouring out of me. I know
that God was showing me something I needed to learn at a particular moment in
time, and those lessons became the perks that I’d write about. Slowly over
time, I truly did begin to appreciate this time that I have. Not just
appreciate it, but actually loved it to the point that I remember once asking myself…do
I really want a relationship right now? I’m not saying I became against the
idea of being in a relationship and all of the sudden I wanted to stay single
forever. But I believe God truly transformed my heart and helped me find real
joy in the singleness stage. I’m not saying it’s been smooth sailing. There
were rough and lonely days. But looking back over these 15 perks, I can see
that God wasn't holding out on me, He was giving me a gift that I was too blind
to see.
I have had so many people in the same life stage approach me about
this blog. I should have realized that the world is full of people going
through the same stage, but I felt very isolated until I began publicly sharing these posts. Although I am so thankful that somehow these words have
been a source of encouragement to many, this is, after all, my journey and
lessons the Lord has taught me specifically. If you are still not convinced
that being single is a gift, then I encourage you to start your own journey and
ask the Lord to reveal the benefits of this stage to you. Keep a journal, start
a blog, whatever it takes. It will take time, and if you’re stubborn like me, a
lot of overcoming the misconceptions about singleness. But if you will honestly
open yourself up to it, the Lord will help show you how this stage is actually
a good thing in your individual life. He is faithful, and He has His purpose
for this chapter of life. We need to just trust that He isn't going to withhold
any good thing from us without a very good reason, and I’m not just talking
about withholding a relationship. He will not withhold any good thing from us….that
includes a season of singleness. I understand the difficulty in being thankful
for being single. But picture the Lord standing in front of you, telling you
that He will not withhold this gift of singleness from you, because it is good, and it has
purpose and beauty. You just need to have the resolve to see it, and He is
ready and willing to show you if you ask.