perk #6 – a slightly less worried mind

I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last post. Anyone else think January flew by in a whirlwind? I’ve also been trying to decide which perk I wanted to talk about next. I finally settled on one, and let me warn you, it’s about to get real in this post. This perk is going to discuss a slightly irrational fear of mine, and how it relates to my singleness.

I think I’m a pretty pensive person. I think about life and death a lot, and the death of anyone, particularly of those who are younger, tends to affect me more than I care to admit. I suppose I am just always aware that this life is so short and that anything can happen. We don’t know God’s plan for our lives. We have no idea if we will return to our homes when we leave for the day. I worry about those I love. My family, my friends…I pray every now of then (mostly out of worry) that nothing will happen to them. I don’t want to lose anyone. I don’t want to have to face that. And I don’t want others to have to face that. I hate seeing those I love experience loss. I don’t like seeing people hurting. It just breaks my heart. Ultimately, we will all face loss at some point in our lives, but I have been very blessed to not have experienced a serious loss as so many I know have. I am thankful for that, but then again, I know my time is coming. I just don’t know who, when, and where.

The other thing that worries me (and it’s totally not godly), is that me even entertaining these thoughts, speaking what could happen out loud, or sitting here putting these words out there for the world to see, will cause God to act and actually cause what I fear most. I fear getting “the call” that something has happened. Or even with my own life. Part of the reason I’ve delayed writing a will now that I’m a homeowner is this irrational fear that it is welcoming something to happen to me.

I know what you’re thinking….who in the world thinks like that? God doesn’t just allow us to experience loss because that’s what we fear most. He doesn’t allow events to occur outside of a higher purpose. Everything He does has purpose, even if we may never know what the purpose was in this life. I have to remind myself that God knows my fears and worries before I even think them, and me being superstitious about speaking my fears isn't going to cause Him to act.

Thinking about that kind of thing is enough to make anyone scared and slightly crazy. It’s no way to live life, that’s for sure. And I know that worry and fear does not come from God, and although the thoughts rolling around in my head are true things, it doesn't mean God wants us to live in fear of what could happen. However, that’s easier said than done. I think the more you love, the more you worry. The higher the stakes, the harder it is to trust the sovereign hand of the Almighty and ever-loving God. Of course we know that he would never purposefully cause us pain without reason. I think he allows pain into our lives to strengthen us, but let’s be honest, I think everyone would prefer never to lose loved ones, and when we do experience loss, it will probably be a struggle for us for the duration of our lives.

I bet if I took a poll from all my married friends, particularly those with children, I would hear fear and worry about losing their spouse or precious babies. Godly, wonderful individuals, but I don’t think they can possibly be married or a parent without worrying. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone in my family. My parents and sister, and extended family, friends, everyone in my life…it’s overwhelming sometimes how many people I love that I am afraid of losing. If I’m like this while I’m single, I shudder to think how much I will worry when I’m married and have children. I can’t even imagine how much I will love those that are in my future, and how much pain I would feel if something happened to them.

This is probably not what you were expecting after my previous posts. This one is slightly morbid, and cluttered with worry over things I can’t control, but it’s the truth. I still have those in my life that I worry about, but I’m sure it’s just a whole other ball game when you’re married with little ones that you've helped create. So this perk of my single life, if you can even call it a perk, is that I can enjoy a more peaceful and less worried mind while I’m single, than when I will have a spouse and kids to love, and therefore worry about.  

On the flip side, I know that I have some work to do in my own heart. I can’t let worry and fear of loss cripple me. Most of the time I am able to push these thoughts aside when they become too overwhelming, but I need to always remind myself that God is loving and kind, will always take care of me and those in my life. And because His plans are all for His glory, I can have hope that when loss does inevitably come, He is the loving, unchanging, comforting, wise, and sovereign God, and I can cast my worry and fear on Him, because He is able to endure it all. 

perk #5 – wider social circles

It’s been over two weeks since my last post, and I struggled to figure out which perk I wanted to write about next. Lately, I’ve been really eager to meet new people and to expand my social circle. I think the reason for this newfound desire to meet some fresh faces, came about over the last month or so when I would flip through my phone contacts to see if anyone wanted to do something that day. Then it hit me. The majority of my friends these days are married or married with kids.

Now while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is difficult to call up these friends at the drop of a hat and see if they want to go out to eat or catch a late movie. These are the friends I have to preplan days, maybe even weeks in advance to catch up and spend some quality time. While I have many couple friends that are near and dear to me, it doesn’t exactly make it easy to maintain close friendships.

The other side to that coin, is that married couples, particularly those with children, tend to hang out exclusively with other couples. Don’t get me wrong, there are always exceptions, and I can think of several couple friends of mine that don’t fall into that category. But for the most part, it’s the truth. Couples do not necessarily hang out with single friends very often. They will occasionally, or lunch dates will be planned in advance in order to spend some one on one time with single friends, but if we’re all being honest and real here, you know that I’m right, and I doubt many would disagree unless they are that exception-to-the-rule couple. It’s just the natural tendency to want to hang out with those in a similar life stage, and I get that.

However, those of us that are single and a little older tend to get the short end of the stick, because it appears to us that somehow we are the only single person our age around. It seems like I blinked and most of my social circle fizzled out because they gravitated toward what is similar to themselves. Sitting here, trying to put myself in their shoes, I can see why it works for them. I really can. And I am sure that one day I will find myself in the same position.

Or….perhaps I will end up being an exception-to-the-rule couple. If I’m being completely transparent, I kind of hope I will be an exception. i can think of a number of reasons for this. For one, I feel like there is a freedom in singleness that correlates to the idea of youth. Why wouldn’t I want to be friends with singles that made me feel young, free, and like the world is still wide open? Not to say that it would make me dissatisfied with married life, but I can imagine it would make me feel youthful. Who doesn’t want to feel youthful for as long as possible? Another reason is that the longer I wait for the next chapter in life, the more I realize that when that day does come, I want to encourage other single women that they are not alone in feeling the same things I felt. I want to be able to share these same perks and tell them to live it up, because I will know that the things I am writing about now will change drastically when they are married. I hope to be that same encouragement now, but it will be a different kind of encouragement from the other side of the fence. I hope that when I turn the page to this story, I will go out of my way to make sure the single friends in my life are not set aside for something that is seemingly more important.

This perk is not intended to be a jab at couples. I’m not saying that all of my married friends have cast me aside. That is not the case. I know where I stand with those wonderful couples, and I am so unbelievable grateful to have them in my life, and to have examples of godly marriages that I can look up to, and one day emulate. The point of this perk is mainly to point out that this phenomenon happens, and as a single girl I need to step up my game and take advantage of the unique opportunity I have at this stage in my life.

being unattached gives me a greater chance to widen and maintain my social circle. I make new friends at work all the time, especially when I train most of those that walk through our office doors. At church, I have the time to join multiple community groups and forge new friendships there. I have very different groups of friends, and so many more friends to make or get to know better. I know so many interesting people and I have many acquaintances I look forward to learning more about. So knowing that I have the time, means, and freedom to cast out my “social net” and meet some awesome new people, I need to get out there. I’ve been spending lazy weekends at home not doing much of anything. In my defense, I hate winter and the cold, and it makes me not want to leave my house. I’m much more social in the summer…my favorite season that makes me feel so incredibly alive. But I digress…

what I’m saying is this: I need to be out there cultivating new friendships. Cold weather is not going to be my excuse. I have the freedom to drop everything and run out to meet people for dinner, see a ridiculously late movie, take a random day trip to Charlottesville or Roanoke, and if truth be told, I’m not making the most of this freedom. And that’s on me. If you’re single and you hang out with more friends than you even have time for, my hat is off to you. enjoy it and live it up. But If you’re like me, and tend to act like you’re an old man or woman on a Friday night because you’re tired from an early day at work, then I’m telling myself and telling you to start finding ways to expand your social circle. I already have a few people in mind that I’ve met at work or church that are awesome people, and have no idea why I haven’t asked them to hang out so I can get to know them better. I’m going to stop making that mistake, and I hope you will too.

So here’s to the beautiful freedom of singleness and the prospect of beautiful friendships. Cheers!

perk #4 - to travel is to live

i have a serious case of wanderlust. i have always desired to travel and experience the world for myself. seeing photos of faraway places has never been good enough for me. i want to know it firsthand. I want to stand on the ground where history has been made, see for myself what pictures cannot convey, and leave knowing that another place is no stranger to chelsea davis.

if i may quote belle from beauty and the beast, "i want adventure in the great wide somewhere. i want it more than i can tell." i can empathize with belle. travel and adventure get my heart beating faster. it’s a true love of mine. i love being able to say that i have experienced something at least once. in the last 9 years, i have traveled to london, paris, rome, montreal, jamaica, dominican republic, peru, and india. and those are just the foreign places i've been. i love american history and the cities i've been able to visit here as well. i am truly blessed to have a traveler’s heart and to have seen so much already. and it isn't enough. i want more. this world is so beautiful, and i want to see as much as i can. so many wonderful memories, and so many more ahead, Lord willing.

some of my favorite memories from these wonderful places…standing 10 feet from queen elizabeth II as she drove by and waved to us…getting lost on a train in paris, and turning around to see the eiffel tower sparkling as it does every night…seeing the sistine chapel…swinging from a tree into the black river in jamaica, then our boat getting caught in the pouring rain on the way back…laying on a picture perfect beach in dominican republic…seeing the deepest and most gorgeous canyon in peru…having to go to the bathroom on a cement floor in a dark room in india (i’m still laughing about that)…not to mention the wonderful people i've met, especially on the missions trips.

God has allowed me to see so much of his world, the beautiful, the broken, and the hurting. my eyes are wide open to both the evil and the good in this world, and i am better for it.

all of that to say, with the new year i am ready for some new adventures. i already have at least 4 trips i would like to take this year to visit some friends in boston, nashville, NYC, and orlando. and you might be wondering how this ties into the perks of being single. well, it really comes down to finances and freedom.

travelling is expensive. if it wasn't, then more people would do it more often. just last night, i started working on crunching numbers for these 4 trips. thankfully, being single and kid free actually works in my favor. my costs are much lower with one person. i am able to stay with friends and skip out on hotel costs, i can share gas costs with a friend, my food budget will only include one person, and i only need to purchase a single ticket for any outing. married couples will need double the budget, and add some kids in there and we could be getting into a thousand dollars or more depending on the destination. yikes! i don’t know if i’d be able to stand having to raise that much money just to travel somewhere new, unless it was out of the country.  

after crunching numbers, the next issue is having the time and freedom to go. being single, i can just go. i don’t have to think about anyone’s schedule except my own. i can take a weekend and skip town whenever i hear a new city calling me to explore all it has to offer. no having to coordinate schedules or time off of work. then, when i do get to my destination, i can go see the things i want to see. i love history, which some people find truly boring. but i love museums and historical sites, and i know i don’t have to compromise anything i’d like to experience. i can choose to do the things i enjoy, and make memories i’ll carry with me the rest of my life.

i’ll have to end up with someone equally as adventurous. someone with the same zest for new expeditions. but for now, i’ll do as much as a i can before my travels are few and far between. if you’re single and able to embark on a journey to some place you've always wanted to see, then i encourage you to go while you have the ability to take off at the drop of a hat for a fraction of the cost it would take for an entire family to go.

travel opens our eyes and hearts to experiences outside of our own little world. go, enjoy, and make happy memories.

“we travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us.”

perk #3 - kid free

this may sound counterintuitive, since some good friends of mine just had a sweet little baby that i love love love, but lately i've realized how thankful i am that i am not yet a mother. now before i explain my reasons for this, let me go on a short rabbit trail...

if you've known me for any length of time or have seen me around children, you'll know that i LOVE kids. especially the children of the same friends i mentioned before. those that know me well will have already heard this, but i want 5 kids. yes, 5. i have always wanted a big family. who knows if God has other plans, but hopefully that dream will be reality one day. one more little bunny trail (i promise i'll get back on track), for those that already have children, please don't tell me or anyone else that dreams of having a big family one day that we will "change our minds" or anything else that stamps on a girl's dream. maybe i will change my mind, but maybe i won't. just sayin'. All that to say, i want kids. and i will be thrilled when the time comes when i get to have them.

ok, rabbit trail over. recently, with so many people i know popping out babies, you'd think it would spark those desires of having my own. but that's not the case. quite the opposite. my freedom and lack of responsibility for raising another human being at this point in my life is...wonderful. my life is so chill and i don't have to deal with the stresses and pains that come along with raising a child yet. no worrying about their safety or well being, educating them and raising them with good values. i have the utmost respect for parents because it is a full time job, and i can't imagine having a career on top of that.

not to mention, they do that with little sleep. i love sleep. i love being well rested. i love being responsible for providing for only myself. i love being able to come home after a long day, plop down on my couch, turn on the tv and surf the net (which is what i did today). no screaming babies, no cooking for a family, only doing my own laundry, sleeping by myself in my own bed in a perfectly quiet house for 8 solid hours, before getting up at the last possible minute and going to work tomorrow, just to come home and do it all over again if i so choose.

then there is my future. as soon as kids enter the mix, i may not be able to predict what future God may have, but i will be able to have some general idea of the next couple of decades. predictability. but right now, unpredictability in the best possible way. i may be 27, but to me, the world is still wide open. i could go anywhere. i could pick up and move at the drop of a hat, if i so desired. i could go live abroad for a year like i always dreamed. i could do that, because i'm not tied down in a way that would prevent me from dreaming that big. before any parents get in a tizzy, i'm not saying that they can't have adventures too. but there are limitations when someone is a parent that i do not have at this time. married couples with no kids could have the flexibility to pick up and leave, but still, more limitations than a single person. two jobs to find, two opinions of where, when, and how, and a compromise to reach. but not me. i get to decide where to go, what to do, when, and how.

so many reasons I'm thankful to be kid free for now. my freedom and flexibility are off the charts, and i'm loving every minute of it.

perk #2 - no split holidays

in light of the holidays, i was thinking about how the perks of being single relate to this time of year. when i was home for thanksgiving last week, it made me realize that i have been able to spend every single holiday with my family for my entire life. and in a few short weeks, i will get to spend an entire week home for christmas. i realized that once this time of singleness is over, there will inevitably be holidays that i have to split either being with my family or with another family somewhere else.

that thought made me a little bit sad. i know that it is one of the things that couples will have to alternate each year, but for the time being, i am really thankful for the time i get to spend with my own flesh and blood. i really enjoyed this past thanksgiving. there is something so wonderful about me, my mom, dad, and sister just hanging out, watching movies and being a family of just us four. my sister and i basically laid around and watched movies most of the time, and i revel in the fact that i can spend that kind of time with her. my grandparents are also living with us for a short while as their house is being built, so it was fun having the house just a bit fuller than normal. 

although we haven't been able to all get together for a holiday for a few years now, i love when our extended family...cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents...all come together for thanksgiving or christmas, and our home is filled to bursting point with family, kids, pets, laughter, and love. those are probably the most wonderful memories i can recall over the course of my life. all that to say, whenever our family is able to get together like that, i've never had to wonder if i'll be able to make it. i always make it, and i've never had to check my plans with anyone to make sure they aren't overlapping with other holiday plans. 

even our holiday traditions don't have to be altered yet. every christmas eve, my family will come together, open one present only (always christmas pajamas), and gather around to watch the nativity story. then we will wake up the next morning, open stockings and presents, and watch the christmas story as my mom makes an incredible christmas morning breakfast. during my week at home, my sister and i will find time to get out of the house, just the two of us, without thinking about it or having to make sure someone else isn't left out. i love knowing what to expect. i love knowing that i will see them at christmas. 

i am sure that when the day comes when i will have to think about splitting my time here or there, that it will be a good change, and my family will be extended even further in a way i can't picture right now. but at this time in my life, i am joyful that i can be with my own family in the same ways we are used to being together. i am also so very blessed to have such a tight-knit family that actually looks forward to being together. all of these holiday moments, no matter how big or small, are blessings that are not lost on me. and i'm so thankful i don't have to miss a single one just yet.