perk #8 – a quieter life

Well I did not intend to go this long without posting a new perk, but the last few weeks have been pretty busy. I love saying that though. I’ve been busy. I’ve been busy spending time with newer friends, traveling to see family, community groups, working out, work, and although it’s been a bit tiring, I’ve enjoyed being on the go. Winter and laziness have been my worst enemies, so I’m thankful that spring is FINALLY here and I’ve been more inclined to be out and about.

I decided a few weeks ago what I wanted to write about for this new post. It’s encouraging how God seems to open my eyes to something new to be thankful about during this stage when it’s time for me to get writing again. This time, He has pointed out the peace and quiet I can enjoy right now. This is more about the fact that I’m not a mother yet, and do not have young kids that need my constant care and attention.

I will say, I do love family noise. I was able to travel to North Carolina the first weekend of this month to see some family that came in for my cousin’s baby shower. I have a lot of cousins, and most of them I don’t get to see very often, since we are all so spread out. A few of my cousins have young kids as well, so when all of my family get together and there are babies to hold, young cousins running around playing, and cousins, aunts, and uncles sitting around the dining room table sharing stories and laughter, those are the moments I cherish. I remember sitting at the table, surrounded by family and so much love, and I remember thinking “Lord, thank you so much for this right here.” I love the family chaos, and I wish we could all get together more often.

But as much as I love family noise, for the time being, I get to come home to my quiet house and enjoy the peace of solitude after a busy weekend. I can relax in front of my tv, take a nap, and enjoy right now that no one needs me. There’s no chaos in my clean and organized home. We had a few days of beautiful weather before being thrust back into winter’s grip, and during one lazy Sunday afternoon, I sat on my front porch swing reading harry potter for as long as I wanted, with nothing but the noise of birds and occasional laughter from the neighborhood kids. It was bliss, and with warm weather approaching, I get to enjoy many more of those days to come. Even right now as I write this post, I’m sitting alone at my dining room table, the house to myself, with nothing but the noise of my fingers as they hit the keyboard. Not another peep, except for the distant sound of the neighbor kids enjoying the warmer weather.

And it’s not just the noise level. It’s a quiet stillness that calms my heart and soul. Nowhere to be, no one running about the house crying or yelling or needing me to come. One day yes, and it’ll be a different kind of wonderful, but not yet. I get to keep the stillness for now.

You know when I really enjoy the stillness and absolute silence? I’ve just washed my face, removed my contacts, brushed my teeth, got in my pjs. I set my alarm, plug in my phone, and turn off the light. Then I climb into bed, but I’m sitting up, just staring into the darkness. It’s quiet. Real quiet. Still. I’m not dressed up, no makeup on, with all the things that make me ready to face another day removed. It’s just me as I am. Another day has closed, and I have my room all to myself. That’s my favorite time to pray. I’ll whisper to the Lord into the silence, and it feels like I’m sharing secrets with Him. I know that silent prayer is always secret between me and the Lord, but this is different. It’s in those still moments I whisper my most hidden desires and confess any sin that is weighing on me. It’s just honest and real, no lack of authenticity. It’s where I feel the most bold and yet most vulnerable with the Lord, and when it feels like He and I are the only people that exist in the world. My best friend and most trusted advisor.

If I’m being honest, that doesn’t happen every night. I, like so many other Christians, do not always have the most faithful prayer life. But there are many days when I feel like I want to talk to Him, and I wait until the day draws to a close so I can meet Him in that place, as if it’s a secret rendezvous for us to meet later that night. It’s just a very special time to me. One day when I’m married, I’ll share a room and a bed, and will maybe have some babies or kids crying and I’ll need to go to them, and I won’t have that special moment and I’ll have to find another. Marriage and children are wonderful things I can’t wait to experience, but it’s these seemingly small things that I’m realizing will have to change. I’ll just have to be more creative in finding time to be quiet and still, particularly when finding time to spend with the Lord.

Yes, staying busy has been a lot of fun. but when I’m mostly busy, I value the times I can come home, not speak, and just enjoy a quiet existence. Too much peace and quiet, and I get antsy to get out and do something. But the right balance allows me to appreciate the amount of time I can allot to silencing the world around me and getting lost in a book or movie. Or even coming home, opening my windows, laying on the couch and drifting off to the sound of the birds chirping outside (this was me yesterday after work). I slept longer than I intended because of how peaceful it was. And when it gets warmer, heading out to Ivy Lake with my journal or a book, or floating out into the middle of the lake to let the sun warm me to my very core. Peace. Quiet. Stillness.

I’m so thankful. I’m thankful for the beauty of the world around me, and how much being alone in nature calms me. When I have no reason to speak and I can just observe and enjoy God’s creation. I tell a lot of people that I see God mostly in creation. So much knowledge and wonder to behold if we have the resolve to stop and look.

I know that a quiet life will be harder to maintain when the pages turn on the next chapters of life. Not impossible, but likely more challenging. But this is my current chapter, and I have to say, it’s pretty great, too. Quiet stillness. Remember to appreciate it while we have it, my single friends.

perk #7 – my income, my decisions

I have really enjoyed my 9 months of home ownership. It’s has been quite an adventure and learning experience. As I look around my house, I have a mental list of projects, minor and major, that I want to do. Any other homeowners can relate to this. There will always be a project and an idea on how to make improvements. I wish I had the money to make all my visions come to fruition right now, but of course I don’t. I have to remind myself that change takes time, and saving money to do projects takes time. After all, rome wasn’t built in a day. And that’s ok. I can live with that.

But it got me thinking about where I’m at as a single woman and homeowner, and how much quicker some of these projects could be completed if I were married. I’d have a dual income and projects could happen much faster than they can on my single income. I’d also have someone to help tackle projects I am unable to complete. I consider myself pretty handy, but I don’t have the strength of a guy, that’s for sure.

So how does this translate to being a positive aspect of being single? Well, the fact of the matter is I may not have the funds to finance all of my dream projects, but I do have the freedom to decide what I want to do with what I can afford right now. And this freedom extends far beyond house projects. These decisions really come down to my ability to choose how I spend my finances.

I’ve always been good with my money. I have always tried to keep a great credit score and not go crazy with spending money on frivolous things. Not to say I haven’t had to learn things the hard way, but you learn and grow and practice self-control, and now more than ever before I don’t really make impulse shopping decisions. I don’t have a crazy amount of major expenses, and my responsibility to provide food and clothing only extends to my own needs. But if there is something I really want, my decision making process doesn’t go past my internal dialog. I chose the tv I wanted, the vacuum, I wanted, I love shopping for antiques and when I find something I love I don’t have to run the idea past anyone. If I want to travel, buy a sewing machine to start a new hobby, splurge a bit on a dress, go out for drinks with some friends, I have the freedom to just make the decision and go for it. Not to say that marriage would mean I can’t do any of these things, I’m sure I could, but perhaps not to the extent I do now. There are just 2 opinions involved, 2 incomes to budget, and 2 people’s needs to meet.

If I’m being completely transparent, the older I get and the more independence I have with spending my income the way I want, I think it’s going to be a challenge when I get married to compromise on these types of decisions. Of course I’d be willing to share decisions and come up with a solution that both of us are comfortable with, I’m just saying that it’ll take some adjustment, as will so many other things. I’ve picked the brains of many married friends and have heard some great ideas on budgeting as a couple. But for today, it’s one less thing I need to worry about at this stage of my life.

Ok super honest moment here, and this post is about to take a sharp turn. I’ve wanted to write about this perk for a while, and I’ve hesitated because I’m afraid it is coming off as selfish. I had a conversation about this blog with a wonderful friend of mine, and it made me want to clarify my intentions with writing about the perks of being single. I am in no way against relationships and marriage. I have the same desires to be married as every other single girl that has approached me about my blog. But that’s not the stage of life I’m in. I could sit here and write about the struggles of waiting on God when in the midst of singleness, because if truth be told it is hard. I could write about the things I’m looking forward to if and when God brings that type of relationship into my life, because there is a lot I’m excited for. But in my own journey of life, I don’t want to focus on the struggles or be excited for things that haven’t happened yet and who knows when they will happen. In my experience, it just makes that longing harder. I’m not anti-marriage, but I am also not anti-singlehood. There’s joy in all chapters of life if we’re willing to open our eyes and find it, a lesson that I’ve been learning as I’ve started this blog.

I’m single and this is where God has placed me right now. I don’t want to look back and see the perks of this time when it’s too late to enjoy them. I want to live a full and happy life, and I want to appreciate what I have each day. And today, I get to enjoy the 7 perks I’ve written thus far, and so many more. Today, I get to be an independent, self-sufficient woman. I get to spend all my holidays with my family. I don’t have the responsibility of children, and I can travel as often and as far as I want. I can meet as many people and build as many relationships as I’d like. I can worry a bit less, and I can spend my hard-earned money any way I choose. I can’t wait to write about more of the things I enjoy at this time of my life. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I’m enjoying the life God has blessed me with. Not to mention warm weather is coming, and that fact catapults me into a state of excitement so strong I may just burst and spread happiness all over everyone (yes, I love summer that much).

At the end of the day, I’m happy with my life. I may have rough moments or days, perhaps even rough months, but every stage has its joys and challenges. I’m going to try my hardest to look at the positives of where God has me here and now. Who knows, maybe the day I meet someone, my blog will transform into the perks of relationships, then the perks of marriage, and then one day the perks of being a mother. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be honest about our struggles or the difficulties of each season, because everyone has struggles, and it’s part of what makes others able to relate to one another. But every day is full of gifts, and even through painful times, I want to be able to see God’s blessing, and not miss out because I was dreaming about the future.

I know this started as a 7^th perk, and transitioned into an honest look at what I hope to achieve with this blog. But I think it’s an important reminder to myself and to others that looking forward to marriage is perfectly ok, and we can do that while still being excited for what life has to offer now. 

perk #6 – a slightly less worried mind

I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last post. Anyone else think January flew by in a whirlwind? I’ve also been trying to decide which perk I wanted to talk about next. I finally settled on one, and let me warn you, it’s about to get real in this post. This perk is going to discuss a slightly irrational fear of mine, and how it relates to my singleness.

I think I’m a pretty pensive person. I think about life and death a lot, and the death of anyone, particularly of those who are younger, tends to affect me more than I care to admit. I suppose I am just always aware that this life is so short and that anything can happen. We don’t know God’s plan for our lives. We have no idea if we will return to our homes when we leave for the day. I worry about those I love. My family, my friends…I pray every now of then (mostly out of worry) that nothing will happen to them. I don’t want to lose anyone. I don’t want to have to face that. And I don’t want others to have to face that. I hate seeing those I love experience loss. I don’t like seeing people hurting. It just breaks my heart. Ultimately, we will all face loss at some point in our lives, but I have been very blessed to not have experienced a serious loss as so many I know have. I am thankful for that, but then again, I know my time is coming. I just don’t know who, when, and where.

The other thing that worries me (and it’s totally not godly), is that me even entertaining these thoughts, speaking what could happen out loud, or sitting here putting these words out there for the world to see, will cause God to act and actually cause what I fear most. I fear getting “the call” that something has happened. Or even with my own life. Part of the reason I’ve delayed writing a will now that I’m a homeowner is this irrational fear that it is welcoming something to happen to me.

I know what you’re thinking….who in the world thinks like that? God doesn’t just allow us to experience loss because that’s what we fear most. He doesn’t allow events to occur outside of a higher purpose. Everything He does has purpose, even if we may never know what the purpose was in this life. I have to remind myself that God knows my fears and worries before I even think them, and me being superstitious about speaking my fears isn't going to cause Him to act.

Thinking about that kind of thing is enough to make anyone scared and slightly crazy. It’s no way to live life, that’s for sure. And I know that worry and fear does not come from God, and although the thoughts rolling around in my head are true things, it doesn't mean God wants us to live in fear of what could happen. However, that’s easier said than done. I think the more you love, the more you worry. The higher the stakes, the harder it is to trust the sovereign hand of the Almighty and ever-loving God. Of course we know that he would never purposefully cause us pain without reason. I think he allows pain into our lives to strengthen us, but let’s be honest, I think everyone would prefer never to lose loved ones, and when we do experience loss, it will probably be a struggle for us for the duration of our lives.

I bet if I took a poll from all my married friends, particularly those with children, I would hear fear and worry about losing their spouse or precious babies. Godly, wonderful individuals, but I don’t think they can possibly be married or a parent without worrying. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone in my family. My parents and sister, and extended family, friends, everyone in my life…it’s overwhelming sometimes how many people I love that I am afraid of losing. If I’m like this while I’m single, I shudder to think how much I will worry when I’m married and have children. I can’t even imagine how much I will love those that are in my future, and how much pain I would feel if something happened to them.

This is probably not what you were expecting after my previous posts. This one is slightly morbid, and cluttered with worry over things I can’t control, but it’s the truth. I still have those in my life that I worry about, but I’m sure it’s just a whole other ball game when you’re married with little ones that you've helped create. So this perk of my single life, if you can even call it a perk, is that I can enjoy a more peaceful and less worried mind while I’m single, than when I will have a spouse and kids to love, and therefore worry about.  

On the flip side, I know that I have some work to do in my own heart. I can’t let worry and fear of loss cripple me. Most of the time I am able to push these thoughts aside when they become too overwhelming, but I need to always remind myself that God is loving and kind, will always take care of me and those in my life. And because His plans are all for His glory, I can have hope that when loss does inevitably come, He is the loving, unchanging, comforting, wise, and sovereign God, and I can cast my worry and fear on Him, because He is able to endure it all. 

perk #5 – wider social circles

It’s been over two weeks since my last post, and I struggled to figure out which perk I wanted to write about next. Lately, I’ve been really eager to meet new people and to expand my social circle. I think the reason for this newfound desire to meet some fresh faces, came about over the last month or so when I would flip through my phone contacts to see if anyone wanted to do something that day. Then it hit me. The majority of my friends these days are married or married with kids.

Now while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is difficult to call up these friends at the drop of a hat and see if they want to go out to eat or catch a late movie. These are the friends I have to preplan days, maybe even weeks in advance to catch up and spend some quality time. While I have many couple friends that are near and dear to me, it doesn’t exactly make it easy to maintain close friendships.

The other side to that coin, is that married couples, particularly those with children, tend to hang out exclusively with other couples. Don’t get me wrong, there are always exceptions, and I can think of several couple friends of mine that don’t fall into that category. But for the most part, it’s the truth. Couples do not necessarily hang out with single friends very often. They will occasionally, or lunch dates will be planned in advance in order to spend some one on one time with single friends, but if we’re all being honest and real here, you know that I’m right, and I doubt many would disagree unless they are that exception-to-the-rule couple. It’s just the natural tendency to want to hang out with those in a similar life stage, and I get that.

However, those of us that are single and a little older tend to get the short end of the stick, because it appears to us that somehow we are the only single person our age around. It seems like I blinked and most of my social circle fizzled out because they gravitated toward what is similar to themselves. Sitting here, trying to put myself in their shoes, I can see why it works for them. I really can. And I am sure that one day I will find myself in the same position.

Or….perhaps I will end up being an exception-to-the-rule couple. If I’m being completely transparent, I kind of hope I will be an exception. i can think of a number of reasons for this. For one, I feel like there is a freedom in singleness that correlates to the idea of youth. Why wouldn’t I want to be friends with singles that made me feel young, free, and like the world is still wide open? Not to say that it would make me dissatisfied with married life, but I can imagine it would make me feel youthful. Who doesn’t want to feel youthful for as long as possible? Another reason is that the longer I wait for the next chapter in life, the more I realize that when that day does come, I want to encourage other single women that they are not alone in feeling the same things I felt. I want to be able to share these same perks and tell them to live it up, because I will know that the things I am writing about now will change drastically when they are married. I hope to be that same encouragement now, but it will be a different kind of encouragement from the other side of the fence. I hope that when I turn the page to this story, I will go out of my way to make sure the single friends in my life are not set aside for something that is seemingly more important.

This perk is not intended to be a jab at couples. I’m not saying that all of my married friends have cast me aside. That is not the case. I know where I stand with those wonderful couples, and I am so unbelievable grateful to have them in my life, and to have examples of godly marriages that I can look up to, and one day emulate. The point of this perk is mainly to point out that this phenomenon happens, and as a single girl I need to step up my game and take advantage of the unique opportunity I have at this stage in my life.

being unattached gives me a greater chance to widen and maintain my social circle. I make new friends at work all the time, especially when I train most of those that walk through our office doors. At church, I have the time to join multiple community groups and forge new friendships there. I have very different groups of friends, and so many more friends to make or get to know better. I know so many interesting people and I have many acquaintances I look forward to learning more about. So knowing that I have the time, means, and freedom to cast out my “social net” and meet some awesome new people, I need to get out there. I’ve been spending lazy weekends at home not doing much of anything. In my defense, I hate winter and the cold, and it makes me not want to leave my house. I’m much more social in the summer…my favorite season that makes me feel so incredibly alive. But I digress…

what I’m saying is this: I need to be out there cultivating new friendships. Cold weather is not going to be my excuse. I have the freedom to drop everything and run out to meet people for dinner, see a ridiculously late movie, take a random day trip to Charlottesville or Roanoke, and if truth be told, I’m not making the most of this freedom. And that’s on me. If you’re single and you hang out with more friends than you even have time for, my hat is off to you. enjoy it and live it up. But If you’re like me, and tend to act like you’re an old man or woman on a Friday night because you’re tired from an early day at work, then I’m telling myself and telling you to start finding ways to expand your social circle. I already have a few people in mind that I’ve met at work or church that are awesome people, and have no idea why I haven’t asked them to hang out so I can get to know them better. I’m going to stop making that mistake, and I hope you will too.

So here’s to the beautiful freedom of singleness and the prospect of beautiful friendships. Cheers!

perk #4 - to travel is to live

i have a serious case of wanderlust. i have always desired to travel and experience the world for myself. seeing photos of faraway places has never been good enough for me. i want to know it firsthand. I want to stand on the ground where history has been made, see for myself what pictures cannot convey, and leave knowing that another place is no stranger to chelsea davis.

if i may quote belle from beauty and the beast, "i want adventure in the great wide somewhere. i want it more than i can tell." i can empathize with belle. travel and adventure get my heart beating faster. it’s a true love of mine. i love being able to say that i have experienced something at least once. in the last 9 years, i have traveled to london, paris, rome, montreal, jamaica, dominican republic, peru, and india. and those are just the foreign places i've been. i love american history and the cities i've been able to visit here as well. i am truly blessed to have a traveler’s heart and to have seen so much already. and it isn't enough. i want more. this world is so beautiful, and i want to see as much as i can. so many wonderful memories, and so many more ahead, Lord willing.

some of my favorite memories from these wonderful places…standing 10 feet from queen elizabeth II as she drove by and waved to us…getting lost on a train in paris, and turning around to see the eiffel tower sparkling as it does every night…seeing the sistine chapel…swinging from a tree into the black river in jamaica, then our boat getting caught in the pouring rain on the way back…laying on a picture perfect beach in dominican republic…seeing the deepest and most gorgeous canyon in peru…having to go to the bathroom on a cement floor in a dark room in india (i’m still laughing about that)…not to mention the wonderful people i've met, especially on the missions trips.

God has allowed me to see so much of his world, the beautiful, the broken, and the hurting. my eyes are wide open to both the evil and the good in this world, and i am better for it.

all of that to say, with the new year i am ready for some new adventures. i already have at least 4 trips i would like to take this year to visit some friends in boston, nashville, NYC, and orlando. and you might be wondering how this ties into the perks of being single. well, it really comes down to finances and freedom.

travelling is expensive. if it wasn't, then more people would do it more often. just last night, i started working on crunching numbers for these 4 trips. thankfully, being single and kid free actually works in my favor. my costs are much lower with one person. i am able to stay with friends and skip out on hotel costs, i can share gas costs with a friend, my food budget will only include one person, and i only need to purchase a single ticket for any outing. married couples will need double the budget, and add some kids in there and we could be getting into a thousand dollars or more depending on the destination. yikes! i don’t know if i’d be able to stand having to raise that much money just to travel somewhere new, unless it was out of the country.  

after crunching numbers, the next issue is having the time and freedom to go. being single, i can just go. i don’t have to think about anyone’s schedule except my own. i can take a weekend and skip town whenever i hear a new city calling me to explore all it has to offer. no having to coordinate schedules or time off of work. then, when i do get to my destination, i can go see the things i want to see. i love history, which some people find truly boring. but i love museums and historical sites, and i know i don’t have to compromise anything i’d like to experience. i can choose to do the things i enjoy, and make memories i’ll carry with me the rest of my life.

i’ll have to end up with someone equally as adventurous. someone with the same zest for new expeditions. but for now, i’ll do as much as a i can before my travels are few and far between. if you’re single and able to embark on a journey to some place you've always wanted to see, then i encourage you to go while you have the ability to take off at the drop of a hat for a fraction of the cost it would take for an entire family to go.

travel opens our eyes and hearts to experiences outside of our own little world. go, enjoy, and make happy memories.

“we travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us.”