perk #10 – lighter baggage

We are precisely 4 months and 10 days into 2014. I remember sitting alone on my couch as the clock ticked down and 2013 officially slipped into the past, and I recall thinking as I always do on the eve of a new year “I hope this is my year.” What I was really saying was “God, let this be the year the next chapter starts.” I do wish for that often, even though through this blog I can honestly say that I have come to enjoy the privileges of being single. And as I reflect on the last 4 months and 10 days, I can see that through much hard work, so far, this is my year. This is the year I’ve gone to great lengths to do what I need to do to live a happier life. This year I’ve worked especially hard on lightening my baggage and sucking the poison out of my life. It has been difficult and painful, but I’ve had people on several occasions comment on how different I seem….happier.

Everyone has baggage. Everyone has parts of themselves that are broken from sin and all forms of grief. Some of this baggage could just be difficult decisions we have been postponing for whatever reason. Whether young or old, single or married, parents or childless, we all carry or have carried the weight of something inside. Some baggage may be dealt with on a daily basis, and some could have been dealt with long ago, or some may not have been dealt with at all. I am a big advocate of honesty. I believe that the truth can set a soul free, because no matter how heavy the load, the weight of it on a weary heart is worse than a lighter heart and facing whatever the consequences may be. I’m so thankful that no matter how heavy the load I’m carrying, no matter how afraid I am of what will happen when I release what’s holding me back, the Lord is there, whispering in my ear that He loves me, is there for me, and will carry the burden for me.

And I’m realizing that during this stage of my life, it would be prudent to begin to weed through the disheveled bits of my life and do what I can to lighten the load now instead of taking it all into a future relationship. I’m sure that there will always be some form of baggage no matter what stage of life I am in. But there are parts of me I can work on now, and I can be thankful knowing that I will be more ready for what lies ahead without it all weighing me down, especially the bits that would directly affect a future relationship. So that is what I’ve done this year. I’ve slowly removed things that needed to be removed, brought secrets into the light, forgiven myself and others for various things, and have tried to be more self-aware of things I daily struggle with. I have even developed a healthier lifestyle in a number of ways, which have made me a better version of myself. I have a long way to go, and in this journey of life, I will always have baggage for certain things that are my most common sins, and I do worry about the toll they could take if left unchecked in a marriage. But I can be thankful for the fact that I am doing all I can now while it is less complicated.

This year has been difficult. It is no easy task to reach inside the deepest parts of you and pull out and let go of the things that are really just shackles keeping us bound to the past. I don’t want to be bound by anything except Christ, the only person who can give me the strength and desire to be better, and who can reach down and release me from the shackles. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that freedom from certain things means loss of other things, sometimes important things. But I have to keep thinking forward. I have to remember that not only am I doing these things because they please the Lord and they need to be done, I am doing them for the person who I will spend the rest of my life with. After all, that person is the one that has to live with me, faults and all. That person is the one with whom I’ll be sharing the details of my life, baggage and all. And when that day comes, I want anything that could be a hindrance to our marriage to be as far removed from me as possible. I don’t want to have to tell my story with anything that is a present issue that shouldn’t be, and I want him to know that the daily sins I struggle with are things I strive to keep in check. Not only does the Lord deserve my best, but the man I marry does too. I don’t want to be that girl that let’s things slide, but expects the other person to have it all together.

This is my time to do as much as I can now, not sit idly in my comfort zone ignoring the skeletons in my closet. I want to be lighter, freer, to be the best version of me I can be, for myself, for whoever lies ahead, and most importantly, for the Lord. I don’t want to be a weak person who cannot pull free of the chains that bind me, but one that is strong and joyful and full of life.

perk #9 – a fork in the road

This past month has been a blur. A couple of hard weeks, a couple of good weeks, and a whole lot of God’s grace and love shown through friends and circumstances. I had a really hard time trying to figure out what I should write about next, and so I’ve decided to use this perk to talk about an opportunity God laid in front of me, and how it could open a new door and new phase of my life. I apologize in advance for the many twists and turns this perk will take, because the last month has been full of different lessons and realizations on top of a new opportunity. Somehow, it all ties together, but I’m still putting the pieces together in a way that makes sense to even myself. So here goes…

I’ve always been the type of person that has a bit of tunnel vision whenever I have an idea I am excited about. Ideas can take so much of my focus and energy, and I tend to not quit until I make those ideas reality. I’m stubborn, and I won’t take no for an answer if I really want something. Persistence. That’s what I remember my father once telling me my grandfather said about me as a child, but he said it in a way that foresaw it working to my benefit as an adult in the real world one day. I’d never be pushy…I can’t stand pushy people. I cringe at the idea of people talking me into something I don’t want to do. I’d never throw someone under the bus for my own advantage. I believe in fairness and justice. But yes, I am still stubborn and persistent. I’m talking mainly about getting to where I want to go. About not giving up on my goals and dreams. About working hard, and making it work.

There is one area that being persistent cannot help someone achieve what they desire, and that is a relationship. I’m not talking about a persistence that can arise when needing to make a current relationship work. Remember, I’m single. I can approach God’s throne a thousand times and ask for the same thing, but that persistence will never speed up His plan, or make something happen that is not yet meant to happen. I wish that was different, if I’m being honest. But all the persistence in the world can’t make something happen that He is not ready to do. That has been hard for me. Knowing my life is in his hands, and my future husband and children are in His timing. But what’s a girl to do? Stamp my foot? Point my finger and yell? Beg and plead through tears? Will that really move God to action? No. It won’t. Instead, He has moved me. Moved me to see the benefits of this time he has given me. It’s hard still, that won’t change. Unfilled desires will always pull deep in the innermost places of your heart, but still, He has moved me. I see the good in what I have now. I see the work He is trying to accomplish in me. I see the doors He has open for me, and beckoned me to walk through.

This open door is a business opportunity. Don’t worry, I’m not talking about leaving my current job. It is more of a side job, a way to make some extra cash with the extra time I have on hand. I have extra time because I am single. Not to say that I don’t know people in the same business with families, but talking about my situation, I have extra time. Plenty of it. Instead of filling my extra time with Netflix, God brought me to a fork in the road. The idea had me so confused and a bit distraught for about a week. But He wasn’t forcing me down one path or the other, He simply stood me at the fork, and let me choose. I have nothing to lose by staying on my current path. I can see generally where the current path will take me, which is not much different than where I’m at now. But down the other path, this new path, I see a world of opportunity. I see so much to gain, if I choose to go for it. One way isn’t more right than the other way.

But I think that’s how God works a lot of times. He gives us a choice at a fork in the road, and no matter what we choose, it’s up to us where our life goes. I think there are definitely times when there is a lot more riding on these choices and God will be explicitly clear on what He wants. But in some choices, like the one I made, if I chose one way or the other, my walk with the Lord would remain the same. It was just an option He was giving me. And I took the new opportunity. Who knows where it will take me, or how successful it will be, but He gave me a choice. This choice could mean a life of adventure and travel. It could mean relocating to a new and exciting place a few years down the road. It could mean a life of not being a slave to debt, but being able to save and invest and do so much.

It’s so odd what this new path has done already and I’ve barely gotten started. It has caused me to dream again. To dream big and long term. And it actually caused me to think…do I really want a relationship right now? Will I have to sacrifice these newly planted goals and dreams? What if the other person wouldn’t want to move? What if, what if, what if….. That may come off selfish, and like I wouldn’t be willing to compromise. I know I am willing and capable of compromise, but right now, there is no other person, so it’s hard for someone in my position to think of laying down those dreams as anything short of tragic. I don’t have a significant other to think of and have to talk to about these things. I don’t have to make decisions based on anyone’s wishes except mine and the Lord’s. I can make the choices I want.

A week ago in church was the first time I ever uttered these words to the Lord: “thank you for my singleness.” Honestly, these words were the result of my head exploding with ideas and the potential for so much in the next 2 or more years. But then I realized that God wouldn’t send someone my way if we had completely different desires. God wouldn’t lead a wife one way and a husband another. He just wouldn’t do that. My dreams and goals may not look exactly the same as I picture, but I have complete confidence that those desires will evolve and mold together with the Lord’s and with someone else’s. So yes, I still hope that love could be right around the corner, and I shouldn’t have to be afraid that all this hope for dreams fulfilled would falter because of a relationship. I just hope the man I marry is just as adventurous and up for new things as I am.

BUT…for the time being, I appreciate the fact that I can make plans that I want to see happen in my life. I can plan for what to do with my money, where to go after I leave this town, how often to travel, anything and everything is between me and the Lord. My adventurous spirit is soaring within me at the idea of freedom….freedom financially, freedom to actually be able to explore the world instead of just day dreaming about it, and about a hundred other things. My period of helplessness and uncertainty of where my life was going and when something new would come along is over, and I am so thankful for that. Whether that includes love in the near future, or not, is up to the Lord, but I’m ready for this new adventure. 

perk #8 – a quieter life

Well I did not intend to go this long without posting a new perk, but the last few weeks have been pretty busy. I love saying that though. I’ve been busy. I’ve been busy spending time with newer friends, traveling to see family, community groups, working out, work, and although it’s been a bit tiring, I’ve enjoyed being on the go. Winter and laziness have been my worst enemies, so I’m thankful that spring is FINALLY here and I’ve been more inclined to be out and about.

I decided a few weeks ago what I wanted to write about for this new post. It’s encouraging how God seems to open my eyes to something new to be thankful about during this stage when it’s time for me to get writing again. This time, He has pointed out the peace and quiet I can enjoy right now. This is more about the fact that I’m not a mother yet, and do not have young kids that need my constant care and attention.

I will say, I do love family noise. I was able to travel to North Carolina the first weekend of this month to see some family that came in for my cousin’s baby shower. I have a lot of cousins, and most of them I don’t get to see very often, since we are all so spread out. A few of my cousins have young kids as well, so when all of my family get together and there are babies to hold, young cousins running around playing, and cousins, aunts, and uncles sitting around the dining room table sharing stories and laughter, those are the moments I cherish. I remember sitting at the table, surrounded by family and so much love, and I remember thinking “Lord, thank you so much for this right here.” I love the family chaos, and I wish we could all get together more often.

But as much as I love family noise, for the time being, I get to come home to my quiet house and enjoy the peace of solitude after a busy weekend. I can relax in front of my tv, take a nap, and enjoy right now that no one needs me. There’s no chaos in my clean and organized home. We had a few days of beautiful weather before being thrust back into winter’s grip, and during one lazy Sunday afternoon, I sat on my front porch swing reading harry potter for as long as I wanted, with nothing but the noise of birds and occasional laughter from the neighborhood kids. It was bliss, and with warm weather approaching, I get to enjoy many more of those days to come. Even right now as I write this post, I’m sitting alone at my dining room table, the house to myself, with nothing but the noise of my fingers as they hit the keyboard. Not another peep, except for the distant sound of the neighbor kids enjoying the warmer weather.

And it’s not just the noise level. It’s a quiet stillness that calms my heart and soul. Nowhere to be, no one running about the house crying or yelling or needing me to come. One day yes, and it’ll be a different kind of wonderful, but not yet. I get to keep the stillness for now.

You know when I really enjoy the stillness and absolute silence? I’ve just washed my face, removed my contacts, brushed my teeth, got in my pjs. I set my alarm, plug in my phone, and turn off the light. Then I climb into bed, but I’m sitting up, just staring into the darkness. It’s quiet. Real quiet. Still. I’m not dressed up, no makeup on, with all the things that make me ready to face another day removed. It’s just me as I am. Another day has closed, and I have my room all to myself. That’s my favorite time to pray. I’ll whisper to the Lord into the silence, and it feels like I’m sharing secrets with Him. I know that silent prayer is always secret between me and the Lord, but this is different. It’s in those still moments I whisper my most hidden desires and confess any sin that is weighing on me. It’s just honest and real, no lack of authenticity. It’s where I feel the most bold and yet most vulnerable with the Lord, and when it feels like He and I are the only people that exist in the world. My best friend and most trusted advisor.

If I’m being honest, that doesn’t happen every night. I, like so many other Christians, do not always have the most faithful prayer life. But there are many days when I feel like I want to talk to Him, and I wait until the day draws to a close so I can meet Him in that place, as if it’s a secret rendezvous for us to meet later that night. It’s just a very special time to me. One day when I’m married, I’ll share a room and a bed, and will maybe have some babies or kids crying and I’ll need to go to them, and I won’t have that special moment and I’ll have to find another. Marriage and children are wonderful things I can’t wait to experience, but it’s these seemingly small things that I’m realizing will have to change. I’ll just have to be more creative in finding time to be quiet and still, particularly when finding time to spend with the Lord.

Yes, staying busy has been a lot of fun. but when I’m mostly busy, I value the times I can come home, not speak, and just enjoy a quiet existence. Too much peace and quiet, and I get antsy to get out and do something. But the right balance allows me to appreciate the amount of time I can allot to silencing the world around me and getting lost in a book or movie. Or even coming home, opening my windows, laying on the couch and drifting off to the sound of the birds chirping outside (this was me yesterday after work). I slept longer than I intended because of how peaceful it was. And when it gets warmer, heading out to Ivy Lake with my journal or a book, or floating out into the middle of the lake to let the sun warm me to my very core. Peace. Quiet. Stillness.

I’m so thankful. I’m thankful for the beauty of the world around me, and how much being alone in nature calms me. When I have no reason to speak and I can just observe and enjoy God’s creation. I tell a lot of people that I see God mostly in creation. So much knowledge and wonder to behold if we have the resolve to stop and look.

I know that a quiet life will be harder to maintain when the pages turn on the next chapters of life. Not impossible, but likely more challenging. But this is my current chapter, and I have to say, it’s pretty great, too. Quiet stillness. Remember to appreciate it while we have it, my single friends.

perk #7 – my income, my decisions

I have really enjoyed my 9 months of home ownership. It’s has been quite an adventure and learning experience. As I look around my house, I have a mental list of projects, minor and major, that I want to do. Any other homeowners can relate to this. There will always be a project and an idea on how to make improvements. I wish I had the money to make all my visions come to fruition right now, but of course I don’t. I have to remind myself that change takes time, and saving money to do projects takes time. After all, rome wasn’t built in a day. And that’s ok. I can live with that.

But it got me thinking about where I’m at as a single woman and homeowner, and how much quicker some of these projects could be completed if I were married. I’d have a dual income and projects could happen much faster than they can on my single income. I’d also have someone to help tackle projects I am unable to complete. I consider myself pretty handy, but I don’t have the strength of a guy, that’s for sure.

So how does this translate to being a positive aspect of being single? Well, the fact of the matter is I may not have the funds to finance all of my dream projects, but I do have the freedom to decide what I want to do with what I can afford right now. And this freedom extends far beyond house projects. These decisions really come down to my ability to choose how I spend my finances.

I’ve always been good with my money. I have always tried to keep a great credit score and not go crazy with spending money on frivolous things. Not to say I haven’t had to learn things the hard way, but you learn and grow and practice self-control, and now more than ever before I don’t really make impulse shopping decisions. I don’t have a crazy amount of major expenses, and my responsibility to provide food and clothing only extends to my own needs. But if there is something I really want, my decision making process doesn’t go past my internal dialog. I chose the tv I wanted, the vacuum, I wanted, I love shopping for antiques and when I find something I love I don’t have to run the idea past anyone. If I want to travel, buy a sewing machine to start a new hobby, splurge a bit on a dress, go out for drinks with some friends, I have the freedom to just make the decision and go for it. Not to say that marriage would mean I can’t do any of these things, I’m sure I could, but perhaps not to the extent I do now. There are just 2 opinions involved, 2 incomes to budget, and 2 people’s needs to meet.

If I’m being completely transparent, the older I get and the more independence I have with spending my income the way I want, I think it’s going to be a challenge when I get married to compromise on these types of decisions. Of course I’d be willing to share decisions and come up with a solution that both of us are comfortable with, I’m just saying that it’ll take some adjustment, as will so many other things. I’ve picked the brains of many married friends and have heard some great ideas on budgeting as a couple. But for today, it’s one less thing I need to worry about at this stage of my life.

Ok super honest moment here, and this post is about to take a sharp turn. I’ve wanted to write about this perk for a while, and I’ve hesitated because I’m afraid it is coming off as selfish. I had a conversation about this blog with a wonderful friend of mine, and it made me want to clarify my intentions with writing about the perks of being single. I am in no way against relationships and marriage. I have the same desires to be married as every other single girl that has approached me about my blog. But that’s not the stage of life I’m in. I could sit here and write about the struggles of waiting on God when in the midst of singleness, because if truth be told it is hard. I could write about the things I’m looking forward to if and when God brings that type of relationship into my life, because there is a lot I’m excited for. But in my own journey of life, I don’t want to focus on the struggles or be excited for things that haven’t happened yet and who knows when they will happen. In my experience, it just makes that longing harder. I’m not anti-marriage, but I am also not anti-singlehood. There’s joy in all chapters of life if we’re willing to open our eyes and find it, a lesson that I’ve been learning as I’ve started this blog.

I’m single and this is where God has placed me right now. I don’t want to look back and see the perks of this time when it’s too late to enjoy them. I want to live a full and happy life, and I want to appreciate what I have each day. And today, I get to enjoy the 7 perks I’ve written thus far, and so many more. Today, I get to be an independent, self-sufficient woman. I get to spend all my holidays with my family. I don’t have the responsibility of children, and I can travel as often and as far as I want. I can meet as many people and build as many relationships as I’d like. I can worry a bit less, and I can spend my hard-earned money any way I choose. I can’t wait to write about more of the things I enjoy at this time of my life. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I’m enjoying the life God has blessed me with. Not to mention warm weather is coming, and that fact catapults me into a state of excitement so strong I may just burst and spread happiness all over everyone (yes, I love summer that much).

At the end of the day, I’m happy with my life. I may have rough moments or days, perhaps even rough months, but every stage has its joys and challenges. I’m going to try my hardest to look at the positives of where God has me here and now. Who knows, maybe the day I meet someone, my blog will transform into the perks of relationships, then the perks of marriage, and then one day the perks of being a mother. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be honest about our struggles or the difficulties of each season, because everyone has struggles, and it’s part of what makes others able to relate to one another. But every day is full of gifts, and even through painful times, I want to be able to see God’s blessing, and not miss out because I was dreaming about the future.

I know this started as a 7^th perk, and transitioned into an honest look at what I hope to achieve with this blog. But I think it’s an important reminder to myself and to others that looking forward to marriage is perfectly ok, and we can do that while still being excited for what life has to offer now. 

perk #6 – a slightly less worried mind

I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last post. Anyone else think January flew by in a whirlwind? I’ve also been trying to decide which perk I wanted to talk about next. I finally settled on one, and let me warn you, it’s about to get real in this post. This perk is going to discuss a slightly irrational fear of mine, and how it relates to my singleness.

I think I’m a pretty pensive person. I think about life and death a lot, and the death of anyone, particularly of those who are younger, tends to affect me more than I care to admit. I suppose I am just always aware that this life is so short and that anything can happen. We don’t know God’s plan for our lives. We have no idea if we will return to our homes when we leave for the day. I worry about those I love. My family, my friends…I pray every now of then (mostly out of worry) that nothing will happen to them. I don’t want to lose anyone. I don’t want to have to face that. And I don’t want others to have to face that. I hate seeing those I love experience loss. I don’t like seeing people hurting. It just breaks my heart. Ultimately, we will all face loss at some point in our lives, but I have been very blessed to not have experienced a serious loss as so many I know have. I am thankful for that, but then again, I know my time is coming. I just don’t know who, when, and where.

The other thing that worries me (and it’s totally not godly), is that me even entertaining these thoughts, speaking what could happen out loud, or sitting here putting these words out there for the world to see, will cause God to act and actually cause what I fear most. I fear getting “the call” that something has happened. Or even with my own life. Part of the reason I’ve delayed writing a will now that I’m a homeowner is this irrational fear that it is welcoming something to happen to me.

I know what you’re thinking….who in the world thinks like that? God doesn’t just allow us to experience loss because that’s what we fear most. He doesn’t allow events to occur outside of a higher purpose. Everything He does has purpose, even if we may never know what the purpose was in this life. I have to remind myself that God knows my fears and worries before I even think them, and me being superstitious about speaking my fears isn't going to cause Him to act.

Thinking about that kind of thing is enough to make anyone scared and slightly crazy. It’s no way to live life, that’s for sure. And I know that worry and fear does not come from God, and although the thoughts rolling around in my head are true things, it doesn't mean God wants us to live in fear of what could happen. However, that’s easier said than done. I think the more you love, the more you worry. The higher the stakes, the harder it is to trust the sovereign hand of the Almighty and ever-loving God. Of course we know that he would never purposefully cause us pain without reason. I think he allows pain into our lives to strengthen us, but let’s be honest, I think everyone would prefer never to lose loved ones, and when we do experience loss, it will probably be a struggle for us for the duration of our lives.

I bet if I took a poll from all my married friends, particularly those with children, I would hear fear and worry about losing their spouse or precious babies. Godly, wonderful individuals, but I don’t think they can possibly be married or a parent without worrying. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone in my family. My parents and sister, and extended family, friends, everyone in my life…it’s overwhelming sometimes how many people I love that I am afraid of losing. If I’m like this while I’m single, I shudder to think how much I will worry when I’m married and have children. I can’t even imagine how much I will love those that are in my future, and how much pain I would feel if something happened to them.

This is probably not what you were expecting after my previous posts. This one is slightly morbid, and cluttered with worry over things I can’t control, but it’s the truth. I still have those in my life that I worry about, but I’m sure it’s just a whole other ball game when you’re married with little ones that you've helped create. So this perk of my single life, if you can even call it a perk, is that I can enjoy a more peaceful and less worried mind while I’m single, than when I will have a spouse and kids to love, and therefore worry about.  

On the flip side, I know that I have some work to do in my own heart. I can’t let worry and fear of loss cripple me. Most of the time I am able to push these thoughts aside when they become too overwhelming, but I need to always remind myself that God is loving and kind, will always take care of me and those in my life. And because His plans are all for His glory, I can have hope that when loss does inevitably come, He is the loving, unchanging, comforting, wise, and sovereign God, and I can cast my worry and fear on Him, because He is able to endure it all.