perk #14 – free to be me

Ideally, when you meet the right person, you will feel like you can be completely yourself, and your significant other will love you for every part of you, quirks and all. But from the perspective of a single person, I can honestly say I’ve felt like there couldn’t possibly be another person walking this earth that would just get me completely, and I’d be understood and adored for all the things that make me who I am. Have you ever wondered to yourself if there is someone out there that would just get you? If you're like me, then you ask yourself that question all the time. I’m not really talking about the flaws that each of us possess and need to work through to be better versions of ourselves. I’m talking about personality traits that make an individual unique.

Let me share an example from my own life to really drive home what I mean. My sister and I have the ability to reach a level of ridiculously silly behavior that would probably alarm most people. She gets me, and I get her, and I could share story after story of funny things we’ve done or the level of nerdy excitement we can reach when discussing certain things…such as our upcoming trip to Harry Potter world in January. There have been times when my sister, my mom, and I have hung out and out of nowhere we are talking in a British accent for no apparent reason. Many people would probably think we’re crazy if they were in the same room with us for too long, but we love how fun we are when we’re together. I use this example because I am probably the most myself around her than I am with anyone else in this world. I can abandon all sense of formality, and embrace the joy and laughter of the moment.  But I have to admit, there have been times in the middle of us doing something silly that I’m thinking…”would the person I end up with think I’m a complete idiot, or would they embrace this and play along?” I don’t want to change who I am to be what I think someone would want me to be. Accept the crazy silly me, or move along.

I can think of other less extreme examples as well. My love for musicals, antiques, history, and travel, for instance. I can become totally immersed in all of these things and even if the same interests are not shared, I wonder if someone will appreciate that these are things that make me truly happy, and will at least admire the love I have for them and will be interested enough to understand that love. I wonder if I will be able to fully explain how I see the world, the beauty I find in the smallest things, and if I will be able to discuss my relationship with the Lord to someone that will want to know that part of me on the most intimate level. I’ve said before that I love to put myself in someone else’s shoes to see the world from their point of view. I often wonder if someone will feel that way about me. It’s easy to tell a single person “of course you’ll find that!” But when you are single, and there isn’t a tangible person in mind, it’s harder to believe that someone could truly know and understand who you are.

I’ve seen people who change quite a bit when they find their significant other, losing parts of their personality that made them special. That’s sad to me. You should never have to change your personality to fit another person’s idea of who you should be. I know that seems obvious, but when you grow to really like someone, I think there is a part of us that would alter whatever we had to in order to stay with that person, even fundamental elements of who we were created to be. This is an extreme example, but I know it happens. I’ve seen it.

So how is this a perk of being single? I’ll tell you. If you’re single, then you don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks, and you can take the time to truly appreciate the person you are, someone who was lovingly crafted by God. When you do something that is completely you, you’re not wondering if that person is thinking “where’s the nearest exit?” You are naturally going to hold back a little when you meet someone until there is a level of trust to start showing more and more of your quirks. But if that’s not the case right now, then be as silly or nerdy as you want to be, do the things that make you happy, and fall in love with what makes you unique.

Maybe you’ve never really sat down and thought about the awesome things about yourself. Maybe you should. Make a list. I’ve done it. After a particularly difficult day, someone encouraged me to write down all the things I appreciated about myself. Looking at them on paper made me more confident about the person I am, and made me realize that those were qualities someone else would appreciate one day too. Something I wrote down was how excited I can get over the littlest things. I’ve had people that have pointed this out to me, and it made me love that part of myself even more. Allow God to show you all the ways He made you special. Pray for God to reveal those things to you, write them down, and look at them often. I’ve never had someone tell me that I would have to change something before a man would be interested in me. But I know there are people out there who have had someone along the line tell them that if they don’t modify this or that, then they will be single forever. That’s bull. Don’t believe it. Realize that you don’t need to tone your personality down or change anything about you that makes you who you are. Embrace it, because it’s going to be beautiful to someone one day that will totally appreciate you to your very core.

In addition to personality traits, there is one other thing I wanted to address. In this day and age, there are a million ways a person can screw up. I am no exception. There are probably skeletons in your closet that you worry will make someone run from you as fast as they can. If the Creator of life, who loves you so much he died for you, can forgive whatever past you may have, then it doesn’t matter what any future significant other thinks. You only need God’s forgiveness, and once you have it, if someone in your future can’t forgive your past and look beyond that to who you truly are, then let them walk away. They don’t deserve you. The past can’t be changed, but the Lord does not hold it over our heads. So if someone thinks they have the right to not forgive something that God already has, they are essentially prideful enough to believe their opinion is higher than the Lord’s, which is probably one of the most dangerous things a person can do. I’m not saying that parts of your past won’t be difficult to work through, depending on the circumstances, but the right person will be willing to accept what is done, and will love you anyway. Your past is a part of you, but it’s not what defines you. Let your past be used for good, and don’t be fearful that you’ll be alone forever because of it. God will bring the right person along at the right time, and when that happens and you see that someone will still love you in full knowledge of your past, it’s like God voice whispering to you that the past is over and you need to forget it because He already has.

There is someone out there for everyone. I can’t imagine you could be truly happy if you felt like you were hiding parts of yourself. So don’t. If someone can’t look at you and think you are the coolest person ever, then why on earth would you want to be with that person? Don’t change who you are to be someone else’s idea of who you should be. Appreciate who you are now and what makes you awesome, and only enter a relationship if that person can appreciate those things, too. And for the time being, have fun being yourself during this season when you don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks. 

perk #13 – deep friendships with the opposite sex

As I start to write this post, I’m not even entirely sure what I want to say or what title to even give this perk, but it has been the single post idea that has been rolling around in my mind for the last month. It is a realization that I’ve always known, and have had to deal with in the past, but for whatever reason it has resurfaced, and it has made me truly thankful I don’t have to deal with it at this current chapter of my life. So let’s see if you singles can empathize with this…

Have you ever been in a relationship and your friendships with the opposite sex have been forced to change or in extreme cases cut out entirely? I have, and to be honest, I understand why. I truly do. But that doesn't make it easy. I’ve always gotten along better with guys than with girls.

Don’t get me wrong, I have many amazing female friends, and I don’t know what I’d do without them. But even the female friends that are closest to me I can safely say are similar to me in that respect. We think alike and tend to gravitate toward relationships that are more straightforward, honest, and less dramatic. I’ve been told by guy friends before that I’m low maintenance and blunt, and it’s true. I’m not saying I never get worked up, and I’m not saying I’ve never found myself in the midst of drama. What I’m trying to say is that I appreciate that guys tend to be less “let me sugar coat the truth” and more “this is what I’m thinking.” I appreciate honesty. Tactful honesty…truth spoken in love…but honesty, nonetheless. I know this is probably an over-generalization, but it’s how men and women are hardwired, that’s no secret. There is a reason I seek the counsel of both men and women when I need advice. I want a well-rounded response, and men tend to be more realistic and pragmatic. When I’m seeking counsel, I want pragmatic. I am the type of personality that can see a chain reaction of events and adjust what I’m doing knowing what will happen if I stay on a specific course. So all of that to say, I appreciate my female friends and I couldn’t be without them. However, I rely on my male friends as well, and I need them in my life. So back to why I am telling you all of that. Being single means I can keep all of my guy friendships exactly as they are. That is, until one or the other begins a new relationship.

One thing I’ve always done ever since I was a kid was to wonder what life was like for other people. I’d see people out at stores, at work, school, wherever, and I’d wonder who they were, what hurts they had, what kind of home they were going back to, what they wanted to do in life, etc. I’m just interested in people and getting to know them. I want to know what makes them tick, I want to know what they love and what they can’t stand. I’m just fascinated by all different types, and I want to hear their stories and try to slip on their shoes so I can see the world from their point of view for just a little while. Why do I think like this? I don’t really know, but it’s something I like about myself. I love getting to know people. I have my close friends, yes, but I like to make new friends and get to know new people all the time. Some of those questions may come across as personal, and I suppose they are, but who doesn’t like it when someone sits down and asks “Who are you? Who do you want to be? What do you want in life?” If someone is that interested in your life and just wants to get to know you, who would turn those questions down? Not many. Except perhaps….people in relationships.

When you’re in a relationship or married, I completely agree that you have to have boundaries, be careful and above reproach, and respect the feelings of the person you are with, and I have no qualms with that at all. But here I am, single, and it’s hard for me to imagine having to essentially give up or drastically change that innate curiosity, at least with guys. My guy friends are just that…friends…and those friendships mean as much to me as my female friends. I truly believe that God did not create us to only build meaningful relationships with our same gender. But what an interesting conundrum that follows when we find the one person with whom we are going to spend the rest of our lives. The closeness and intimacy of those relationships with the opposite sex are now pulled away, and we are trapped in this state of wishing those relationships would never change, but also understanding why they need to. I’ve been in the position of being the friend who has to be pulled away from, and also the one who has to pull away. Necessary as it may be, I’m happy I don’t have to deal with that right now. I can get to know anyone at any depth that naturally forms in the friendship.

On the other hand, I am not a fool to think that feelings will never form on one side or the other. I’ve been in both positions on that as well. But does that mean we should never try to develop friendships with the opposite gender for fear of what could happen? Honestly, I used to think the answer to that question should be “yes,” without exception. In the Christian world, they use the phrase “guard your heart” to discourage this, but I don’t think that’s what this verse is really referring to (a whole other discussion). But now, I don’t believe this to be true. For us single folks, how can we possibly know when getting to know someone if that is going to happen and the friendship will fizzle out? What if that person becomes a great friend and it is 100% platonic? I certainly don’t want to miss out on great friends, and I certainly don’t want all my friends to be female. Personally, I don’t think that makes a well-rounded person. But that’s just my opinion. I have a lot of great guy friends that have and always will be just friends. And I’m thankful for them.

If you knew ahead of time that a friendship would end because of  feelings not reciprocated, would you choose to miss out on the opportunity to get to know someone new, and probably someone really awesome? Would you decide that it was not worth forging what would ultimately be a temporary friendship? I don’t know that I would. I enjoy getting to know people regardless of whether or not they will be in my life forever. But honestly, not many people will be in our lives forever. Forever is a long time, and will probably be reserved for family and our future spouses. And that’s ok. But I don’t want to look back and think of all the people I didn’t get to know out of fear that it would not end up being the one person I end up marrying. Besides, we don’t have the foreknowledge to know if that friendship will last or if it will become something more or less, so how else are we singles supposed to determine who we truly connect with if we aren't getting to know people as friends? And if feelings do happen on one side and not the other, chances are it’ll be obvious early on if you are the one not interested. So then what? How about tell the truth. (Perish the thought!) Be honest, say why, and if the friendship has to change, then that’s ok. Are you sorry you got to know a new person? I doubt it.

Forging these friendships with the opposite sex is much more difficult when you are in a relationship. Not impossible, but it’s definitely not going to be the same. You could truly have no feelings whatsoever, and neither does the other person, but it can still be tricky when you have to be sensitive of the feelings and wishes of your significant other. As a person who truly loves to get to know people below the surface level, it’s going to be really hard for me one day to realize that I can’t just ask whatever I want to whomever I want with the purpose of getting to know who they truly are.

We were created to have relationships with people, not cower away from the opposite sex because we’re afraid our intentions will be misunderstood, or because we don’t think it’s worth it because there’s no gain for ourselves. Who says it’s about us? Maybe getting to know someone, male or female, is something that other person needs. Maybe you've been through a similar situation that person is dealing with and you can offer the same comfort God has given you (this happened to me the other day with a guy I barely knew). You just don’t know. You have no idea what your presence in someone’s life will mean, even if it is just 5 minutes.

Everyone has a story and I want to know as many as I can. It’s just how I’m wired. I want to know who a person really is, the good and the bad. I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about how that comes across right now. I don’t have to be sensitive to the feelings of a significant other just yet, and I can just talk to people and get to know them without feeling guilty or self-conscious. Don’t be afraid to get to know someone because you’re afraid you might have to have the “I’m just not into you like that” conversation. You may never have to have that conversation because it’s understood on both sides where you stand. Or hey, better yet, you meet the person that is going to be your significant other. If the friendship passes, that’s ok. You met a unique person walking this earth who matters, and the connections and relationships we form in this world matter, regardless of the length of time you knew someone. 

perk #12 – living alone

I haven’t lived on my own for a few years now, and I had forgotten what it felt like. I have now owned my house for a year, and until last month I had roommates. It has only been a few weeks, but I now remember how liberating it feels to have my own place. I love it, especially as a homeowner, not a renter.

I love coming home knowing that I can chill after a hectic day and just sit on my couch or my porch swing, not speak, and relax reading a book or watching TV. But it’s more than just having the house to myself. Owning and caring for a house by myself is empowering. I take such pride in maintaining my house. I feel productive doing yard work, or cleaning inside. I love being handy and fixing things around the house myself. I’m the girl that looks for a reason to bust out my hammer or my electric drill. It makes me feel like Rosie the Riveter. 

Then there is the really fun stuff…decorating. I can consult my plethora of Pinterest boards, and do as many projects as I want. No second opinions, no deciding what to do with the extra bedrooms, I can make my decision and run with it.

People have asked me on many occasions when I’ve lived alone before if I get lonely or bored. The answer is no, I don’t get lonely or bored. I see people and hang out with friends all the time. And I love being able to have my friends over to my house for hang out nights. I’ve always loved being the hostess. But I also love being able to come home and relax by myself. It’s important to have quality time alone. June was a ridiculously busy month at work, and I had very little free time outside of work to be alone and recharge after a long day. So for those particular times, I love that I can have some peace and quiet. In fact, there was one day a few weeks ago when I turned off my phone, and stayed home all day, catching up on housework and enjoying my alone time after having none in over 2 weeks. It was exactly what I needed.

I highly recommend to any singles to look at buying a house. You have no idea how much of a learning and growing experience it is until you try it. Yes, things will break and money will be tight at times, but that will happen whether you’re married or not, and when you come out of those times, it’s so awesome to feel proud that you overcame the challenge. And I know that the knowledge I’ve gained in just one year will help me in the long run when I own another home, or get married and buy a house with someone else.

Living alone and owning a home have taught me a lot about life and how to take care of myself, and I’m so grateful for the experience. I’m thankful that my dad encouraged me to buy a house, and that it wasn’t something I waited to do until marriage. Yes, having an extra set of hands and a dual income would be helpful when owning a home, but I actually like the challenge of relying on my own skills and budget. It’s a reality check when you realize that it’s up to you to allocate your money, keep up with the house, and most importantly, make sure that you develop and maintain relationships so that you don’t become a loner (not a good thing).

Living alone may not be for every single person. If you do currently live alone and you find yourself becoming isolated from the outside world, perhaps it’s time for you to widen your social circle. How you ask? Well, that’s up to you really. One of the ways I found was to host one of our church’s community groups at my house, and I joined another. I met a bunch of new people that way, and many of those people turned into great friends. Or get out of your comfort zone by asking people you work with or go to church with to hang out. That sounds so simple, and I don’t want anyone thinking “this is so obvious, why is she telling me this…” because it was a challenge for me this year. I wrote a previous post about widening my social circle, and at that point, I had a lot of room to grow in this area. Now looking back, I realize I took my own advice and made some new friends just by asking some awesome girls I work with if they wanted to hang out and have a girls’ night. I had never hung out with them before, but I thought they were cool people, so I took the initiative. Now, I have some great new friends. Same with the community group I host. Our group became so tight knit that we were all just in awe of how much we had grown to care for each other, and we can’t wait to start up again in the fall. All of that combined has made me busy, in a very good way. But it makes me all the more grateful I live by myself. I can fill my week with hang outs and get togthers, but I can always come back to a quiet place for some “me” time. And on days like I had a few weeks ago when I need to shut out the world for the sake of my mental health, I can. No need to organize plans or coordinate a time to spend alone, I just shut off my phone and no one can get to me. I can hear myself think, and I can do whatever I want. No one is waiting for me, and no one is wondering where I am and when I’ll be back. I’m free to do as I please.

I know this perk is not as in depth as many of my other recent posts, but I feel it is just as important. When you get married, you will never live alone again. There will always be someone around. That sounds awesome in some ways, but then again that may be a huge change for those of us that are single young professionals. I think of how independent I am and I realize I am thankful for the time I have now to just be me and have my own place. I am in no way opposed to marriage and having someone around the house for the rest of my life, but it’s nice knowing that this actually is a gift from God for this season in my life. I could look at it in a negative way and let it make me feel lonely, but I don’t see it that way. I see it as a positive, growing, challenging, and relaxing gift. I hope that this encourages those of you that may live alone and think that this is not how you would prefer things. Make some new friends or be better about getting together with old friends, and you will quickly be grateful for your little oasis you can retreat to at the end of the day for some good old R&R. 

perk #11 – finding safe people

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been reading a book that was recommended to me. This book has helped me to evaluate myself and the people in my life. It is called Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I am only about 1/3 of the way through it, but it has opened my eyes to so much, that I have been recommending it to everyone. I couldn’t decide what to write about for my next perk of my single life, and then I realized the answer was staring me in the face. This book has showed me the characteristics of “safe” and “unsafe” people, and which friends and relationships to allow to be closer than others. It has even shed light on past friendships and relationships, and I see more clearly than ever the character traits I should avoid in the future.

Before I go on, I should mention that this book will also make you evaluate yourself to determine how safe or unsafe you are to other people. I think that is essential to know how to be a good friend or future spouse, and not to only focus on finding the fault in others. We all have elements of being unsafe, but knowing what those things are will help us to change those behaviors and become safe people for those in our lives. But I want to write today from the perspective of finding safe relationships, and recognizing or removing unsafe relationships.

As a single woman in her late 20s, it would be easy for me to listen to the voices around me that wonder why I’m still single, and why I “can’t seem to find a boyfriend.” I have had many people tell me that my standards were too high and possibly unrealistic. I recognize that some singles may have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship will be, and they seem to be waiting for prince charming (or whatever the female version of that would be) who will treat them perfectly. But I also think those people will be waiting for a long time. When people open their mouth and say that mr. perfect doesn’t exist and I need to stop waiting for that, or I need to adjust my expectations of what a relationship is going to be like, I’m sorry, but I wish I could slap those people in the face and say “do you know me at all?” Perhaps these friends are unsafe to have in my life.

I know that perfect people don’t exist, and I know that there is no prince charming. There are fallen people in a fallen world. Relationships are messy and I have my own crap that I am terrified will be the reason someone will choose to not be with me. But I also know that I am loved by God and so is that person I’ll end up with one day, and that we will hurt each other, be selfish with each other, and it will be messy at times. But that’s to be expected with imperfect people, and that is what I expect in a relationship. So no, I’m not waiting for perfection, and those that think otherwise don’t know me as well as they think they do. These people in my life believe this is my mindset because I’m single and in my late 20s and don’t serial date like some other people I know. I am careful, and I consider hard who I could see myself being compatible with. But guess what? I haven’t found that person yet. Why? Because God has not placed that person in my life yet. If His timing is perfect, and He is perfect, and He knows me better than anyone ever could, then I know (even if I don’t like it sometimes) that I will not meet that person until He makes it so. My standards are not too high, I am not waiting for prince charming. I am waiting for God to put in my life a messy, fallen, human being that I will love dearly and with whom I will go through wonderful and difficult times. The safe people in my life remind me of this. They do not tell me what I may be doing wrong and that is why I am single. Instead, they point me to the Lord. They tell me to trust Him, that His timing is best, and offer words of encouragement about me as a person. Those are safe people, and that is who you need in your life too.

God has allowed people in my life that have failed me and treated me poorly. I have seen in retrospect, especially now after reading this book, that these people are unsafe. Because I have experienced the unsafe, I can clearly see who will be safe and what I need to do to be safe in a future relationship. Let me break down the characteristics of safe and unsafe people according to this book:

Unsafe People…

- can't admit their weakness, and think they have it all together.

- are defensive in relationships, instead of open to feedback.

- are self-righteous instead of humble.

- only apologize instead of changing their behavior.

- avoid working on problems instead of dealing with them.

- demand trust instead of earning it.

- can't admit their faults.

- blame others instead of taking responsibility.

- lie instead of telling the truth.

- are stagnant instead of growing both personally and spiritually.

- avoid closeness with others instead of connecting.

- resist the freedom of others to disagree or have their own opinion, have own goals, etc., instead of encouraging it.

- flatter us instead of confronting us on our issues.

- condemn instead of forgiving us and others for how we wrong them.

- act as our parent or our child instead of relating to us as equals.

- are a negative influence on us.

- gossip instead of keeping our secrets.

Safe People…

- are empathetic to our pain, and act on that empathy.

- draw us closer to God and encourage and contribute to our spiritual growth.

- draw us closer to others in our lives, instead of pulling us apart.

- help us become the real person God created us to be.

- show us grace in our failings.

- speak the truth to us in love.

These are obviously not the only characteristics of safe and unsafe people. And this book does challenge the reader to evaluate himself first, then determine who is unsafe in our lives, and to not forget Matthew 7:3 which says, “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” We have a prime opportunity, my single friends, to use this time to take a hard look at ourselves so that we can become the safest person possible for our friends, family, and future spouse. Then after we evaluate ourselves, take a look at the relationships in our lives, whether that be with friends, family, past significant others, or new relationships that may be forming right now. Ask for the Lord to reveal the people in your life that may be doing more damage than good. It is not easy to lose people you care about, but ultimately, God is concerned with us being safe, and surrounding us with safe people. I can honestly say that against my will God has rescued me from unsafe people. I couldn’t see it at the time, but in each situation, I can see his provision and His protective hand over the daughter He loves very much. He has saved me from a future of unhappiness, and from people that didn’t have had my best interest at heart. And I am so thankful for that.

So pray hard, and be open to God revealing what you may not want to hear, but understand that He wants you to be surrounded by safety. Put boundaries where you need to. Try to repair friendships and relationships with openness and honesty if you can, or if the unsafe person is unwilling to change, ask the Lord for direction in replacing that person with a safe person. This is not easy. There is no way it can be. We are relational people and investing in the lives of others takes time, and when we realize that the time we gave was not a good investment to make, that puts us in a difficult position with a hard decision to make. I hope that all relationships can be repaired, and that the unsafe people in our lives will become safe people, because that is entirely possible. But we are also sinful creatures, and some people just will not change. That’s just a fact of life. But this is your life and well-being at stake. If you are interested in reading this book, please do, because there is so much more to this multi-faceted process than I can share in one blog post.

I truly hope that for those not currently in relationships, that this will help protect you from those you should avoid in the future by recognizing the subtleties that may not be apparent at first glance. For those that maybe are in relationships, I hope that you will find that the person in your life is a safe person, and if not, that the unsafe person will be receptive to doing what it takes to become a safe person for you. But if that person refuses to change, hopefully you will be able to remove that unsafe person from your life. That sounds harsh, and I don’t intend for it to be. But better to hurt for a little while now, then be in a marriage with an unchanging unsafe person that causes deeper and longer lasting pain later.

I know this was a heavier post, but I truly believe all people deserve to have safe, godly, loving people as their closest companions. I don’t like hearing stories about people who have been hurt by others who couldn't care less how they have hurt them. I may not know you all by name, but I do care that every one of you finds the best people for you and live happy (though sometimes messy) lives. If after reading this, someone immediately comes to mind, maybe that is the person to start with. Allow God to move those relationships in the way He feels is best, and though it may be painful, trust that He is trying to keep you safe. 

perk #10 – lighter baggage

We are precisely 4 months and 10 days into 2014. I remember sitting alone on my couch as the clock ticked down and 2013 officially slipped into the past, and I recall thinking as I always do on the eve of a new year “I hope this is my year.” What I was really saying was “God, let this be the year the next chapter starts.” I do wish for that often, even though through this blog I can honestly say that I have come to enjoy the privileges of being single. And as I reflect on the last 4 months and 10 days, I can see that through much hard work, so far, this is my year. This is the year I’ve gone to great lengths to do what I need to do to live a happier life. This year I’ve worked especially hard on lightening my baggage and sucking the poison out of my life. It has been difficult and painful, but I’ve had people on several occasions comment on how different I seem….happier.

Everyone has baggage. Everyone has parts of themselves that are broken from sin and all forms of grief. Some of this baggage could just be difficult decisions we have been postponing for whatever reason. Whether young or old, single or married, parents or childless, we all carry or have carried the weight of something inside. Some baggage may be dealt with on a daily basis, and some could have been dealt with long ago, or some may not have been dealt with at all. I am a big advocate of honesty. I believe that the truth can set a soul free, because no matter how heavy the load, the weight of it on a weary heart is worse than a lighter heart and facing whatever the consequences may be. I’m so thankful that no matter how heavy the load I’m carrying, no matter how afraid I am of what will happen when I release what’s holding me back, the Lord is there, whispering in my ear that He loves me, is there for me, and will carry the burden for me.

And I’m realizing that during this stage of my life, it would be prudent to begin to weed through the disheveled bits of my life and do what I can to lighten the load now instead of taking it all into a future relationship. I’m sure that there will always be some form of baggage no matter what stage of life I am in. But there are parts of me I can work on now, and I can be thankful knowing that I will be more ready for what lies ahead without it all weighing me down, especially the bits that would directly affect a future relationship. So that is what I’ve done this year. I’ve slowly removed things that needed to be removed, brought secrets into the light, forgiven myself and others for various things, and have tried to be more self-aware of things I daily struggle with. I have even developed a healthier lifestyle in a number of ways, which have made me a better version of myself. I have a long way to go, and in this journey of life, I will always have baggage for certain things that are my most common sins, and I do worry about the toll they could take if left unchecked in a marriage. But I can be thankful for the fact that I am doing all I can now while it is less complicated.

This year has been difficult. It is no easy task to reach inside the deepest parts of you and pull out and let go of the things that are really just shackles keeping us bound to the past. I don’t want to be bound by anything except Christ, the only person who can give me the strength and desire to be better, and who can reach down and release me from the shackles. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that freedom from certain things means loss of other things, sometimes important things. But I have to keep thinking forward. I have to remember that not only am I doing these things because they please the Lord and they need to be done, I am doing them for the person who I will spend the rest of my life with. After all, that person is the one that has to live with me, faults and all. That person is the one with whom I’ll be sharing the details of my life, baggage and all. And when that day comes, I want anything that could be a hindrance to our marriage to be as far removed from me as possible. I don’t want to have to tell my story with anything that is a present issue that shouldn’t be, and I want him to know that the daily sins I struggle with are things I strive to keep in check. Not only does the Lord deserve my best, but the man I marry does too. I don’t want to be that girl that let’s things slide, but expects the other person to have it all together.

This is my time to do as much as I can now, not sit idly in my comfort zone ignoring the skeletons in my closet. I want to be lighter, freer, to be the best version of me I can be, for myself, for whoever lies ahead, and most importantly, for the Lord. I don’t want to be a weak person who cannot pull free of the chains that bind me, but one that is strong and joyful and full of life.