I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last post. Anyone else think January flew by in a whirlwind? I’ve also been trying to decide which perk I wanted to talk about next. I finally settled on one, and let me warn you, it’s about to get real in this post. This perk is going to discuss a slightly irrational fear of mine, and how it relates to my singleness.
I think I’m a pretty pensive person. I think about life and death a lot, and the death of anyone, particularly of those who are younger, tends to affect me more than I care to admit. I suppose I am just always aware that this life is so short and that anything can happen. We don’t know God’s plan for our lives. We have no idea if we will return to our homes when we leave for the day. I worry about those I love. My family, my friends…I pray every now of then (mostly out of worry) that nothing will happen to them. I don’t want to lose anyone. I don’t want to have to face that. And I don’t want others to have to face that. I hate seeing those I love experience loss. I don’t like seeing people hurting. It just breaks my heart. Ultimately, we will all face loss at some point in our lives, but I have been very blessed to not have experienced a serious loss as so many I know have. I am thankful for that, but then again, I know my time is coming. I just don’t know who, when, and where.
The other thing that worries me (and it’s totally not godly), is that me even entertaining these thoughts, speaking what could happen out loud, or sitting here putting these words out there for the world to see, will cause God to act and actually cause what I fear most. I fear getting “the call” that something has happened. Or even with my own life. Part of the reason I’ve delayed writing a will now that I’m a homeowner is this irrational fear that it is welcoming something to happen to me.
I know what you’re thinking….who in the world thinks like that? God doesn’t just allow us to experience loss because that’s what we fear most. He doesn’t allow events to occur outside of a higher purpose. Everything He does has purpose, even if we may never know what the purpose was in this life. I have to remind myself that God knows my fears and worries before I even think them, and me being superstitious about speaking my fears isn't going to cause Him to act.
Thinking about that kind of thing is enough to make anyone scared and slightly crazy. It’s no way to live life, that’s for sure. And I know that worry and fear does not come from God, and although the thoughts rolling around in my head are true things, it doesn't mean God wants us to live in fear of what could happen. However, that’s easier said than done. I think the more you love, the more you worry. The higher the stakes, the harder it is to trust the sovereign hand of the Almighty and ever-loving God. Of course we know that he would never purposefully cause us pain without reason. I think he allows pain into our lives to strengthen us, but let’s be honest, I think everyone would prefer never to lose loved ones, and when we do experience loss, it will probably be a struggle for us for the duration of our lives.
I bet if I took a poll from all my married friends, particularly those with children, I would hear fear and worry about losing their spouse or precious babies. Godly, wonderful individuals, but I don’t think they can possibly be married or a parent without worrying. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone in my family. My parents and sister, and extended family, friends, everyone in my life…it’s overwhelming sometimes how many people I love that I am afraid of losing. If I’m like this while I’m single, I shudder to think how much I will worry when I’m married and have children. I can’t even imagine how much I will love those that are in my future, and how much pain I would feel if something happened to them.
This is probably not what you were expecting after my previous posts. This one is slightly morbid, and cluttered with worry over things I can’t control, but it’s the truth. I still have those in my life that I worry about, but I’m sure it’s just a whole other ball game when you’re married with little ones that you've helped create. So this perk of my single life, if you can even call it a perk, is that I can enjoy a more peaceful and less worried mind while I’m single, than when I will have a spouse and kids to love, and therefore worry about.
On the flip side, I know that I have some work to do in my own heart. I can’t let worry and fear of loss cripple me. Most of the time I am able to push these thoughts aside when they become too overwhelming, but I need to always remind myself that God is loving and kind, will always take care of me and those in my life. And because His plans are all for His glory, I can have hope that when loss does inevitably come, He is the loving, unchanging, comforting, wise, and sovereign God, and I can cast my worry and fear on Him, because He is able to endure it all.