Monday, April 21, 2014

perk #9 – a fork in the road

This past month has been a blur. A couple of hard weeks, a couple of good weeks, and a whole lot of God’s grace and love shown through friends and circumstances. I had a really hard time trying to figure out what I should write about next, and so I’ve decided to use this perk to talk about an opportunity God laid in front of me, and how it could open a new door and new phase of my life. I apologize in advance for the many twists and turns this perk will take, because the last month has been full of different lessons and realizations on top of a new opportunity. Somehow, it all ties together, but I’m still putting the pieces together in a way that makes sense to even myself. So here goes…

I’ve always been the type of person that has a bit of tunnel vision whenever I have an idea I am excited about. Ideas can take so much of my focus and energy, and I tend to not quit until I make those ideas reality. I’m stubborn, and I won’t take no for an answer if I really want something. Persistence. That’s what I remember my father once telling me my grandfather said about me as a child, but he said it in a way that foresaw it working to my benefit as an adult in the real world one day. I’d never be pushy…I can’t stand pushy people. I cringe at the idea of people talking me into something I don’t want to do. I’d never throw someone under the bus for my own advantage. I believe in fairness and justice. But yes, I am still stubborn and persistent. I’m talking mainly about getting to where I want to go. About not giving up on my goals and dreams. About working hard, and making it work.

There is one area that being persistent cannot help someone achieve what they desire, and that is a relationship. I’m not talking about a persistence that can arise when needing to make a current relationship work. Remember, I’m single. I can approach God’s throne a thousand times and ask for the same thing, but that persistence will never speed up His plan, or make something happen that is not yet meant to happen. I wish that was different, if I’m being honest. But all the persistence in the world can’t make something happen that He is not ready to do. That has been hard for me. Knowing my life is in his hands, and my future husband and children are in His timing. But what’s a girl to do? Stamp my foot? Point my finger and yell? Beg and plead through tears? Will that really move God to action? No. It won’t. Instead, He has moved me. Moved me to see the benefits of this time he has given me. It’s hard still, that won’t change. Unfilled desires will always pull deep in the innermost places of your heart, but still, He has moved me. I see the good in what I have now. I see the work He is trying to accomplish in me. I see the doors He has open for me, and beckoned me to walk through.

This open door is a business opportunity. Don’t worry, I’m not talking about leaving my current job. It is more of a side job, a way to make some extra cash with the extra time I have on hand. I have extra time because I am single. Not to say that I don’t know people in the same business with families, but talking about my situation, I have extra time. Plenty of it. Instead of filling my extra time with Netflix, God brought me to a fork in the road. The idea had me so confused and a bit distraught for about a week. But He wasn’t forcing me down one path or the other, He simply stood me at the fork, and let me choose. I have nothing to lose by staying on my current path. I can see generally where the current path will take me, which is not much different than where I’m at now. But down the other path, this new path, I see a world of opportunity. I see so much to gain, if I choose to go for it. One way isn’t more right than the other way.

But I think that’s how God works a lot of times. He gives us a choice at a fork in the road, and no matter what we choose, it’s up to us where our life goes. I think there are definitely times when there is a lot more riding on these choices and God will be explicitly clear on what He wants. But in some choices, like the one I made, if I chose one way or the other, my walk with the Lord would remain the same. It was just an option He was giving me. And I took the new opportunity. Who knows where it will take me, or how successful it will be, but He gave me a choice. This choice could mean a life of adventure and travel. It could mean relocating to a new and exciting place a few years down the road. It could mean a life of not being a slave to debt, but being able to save and invest and do so much.

It’s so odd what this new path has done already and I’ve barely gotten started. It has caused me to dream again. To dream big and long term. And it actually caused me to think…do I really want a relationship right now? Will I have to sacrifice these newly planted goals and dreams? What if the other person wouldn’t want to move? What if, what if, what if….. That may come off selfish, and like I wouldn’t be willing to compromise. I know I am willing and capable of compromise, but right now, there is no other person, so it’s hard for someone in my position to think of laying down those dreams as anything short of tragic. I don’t have a significant other to think of and have to talk to about these things. I don’t have to make decisions based on anyone’s wishes except mine and the Lord’s. I can make the choices I want.

A week ago in church was the first time I ever uttered these words to the Lord: “thank you for my singleness.” Honestly, these words were the result of my head exploding with ideas and the potential for so much in the next 2 or more years. But then I realized that God wouldn’t send someone my way if we had completely different desires. God wouldn’t lead a wife one way and a husband another. He just wouldn’t do that. My dreams and goals may not look exactly the same as I picture, but I have complete confidence that those desires will evolve and mold together with the Lord’s and with someone else’s. So yes, I still hope that love could be right around the corner, and I shouldn’t have to be afraid that all this hope for dreams fulfilled would falter because of a relationship. I just hope the man I marry is just as adventurous and up for new things as I am.

BUT…for the time being, I appreciate the fact that I can make plans that I want to see happen in my life. I can plan for what to do with my money, where to go after I leave this town, how often to travel, anything and everything is between me and the Lord. My adventurous spirit is soaring within me at the idea of freedom….freedom financially, freedom to actually be able to explore the world instead of just day dreaming about it, and about a hundred other things. My period of helplessness and uncertainty of where my life was going and when something new would come along is over, and I am so thankful for that. Whether that includes love in the near future, or not, is up to the Lord, but I’m ready for this new adventure. 

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